


[save draft?]

by notkai



Series: modern chatfic au (to be renamed) [2]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: (not quite but nearly), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Art, Attempt at Humor, Blind Character, Canon Disabled Character, Caretaking, Crisis of Faith, Cultural Differences, Depression, Developing Friendships, Drawing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Falling In Love, First Dates, Fluff and Romance, Friends looking after each other, Gen, Genetic Disorders & Abnormalities, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insomnia, Isolation, Loneliness, Loss of Identity, Medical Mumbo Jumbo, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Religious Conflict, Romance, Sickfic, Sleep Deprivation, The Artistic Process, Unrequited Crush, Vomiting, Zed Being a Mother Hen, certain themes to be explored in later chapters, character introspection, coronavirus does not exist in my fictional world do not look at me, just a couple of dudes being guys, just a couple of guys being dudes, kayn being horny on main, more platonic cuddling - Freeform, tags to be updated with each chapter, talking about feelings, trying to pet a cat, u learn the most abt urself at 3 am on the bathroom floor, unrequited sexual attraction, very soft and sweet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21896980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notkai/pseuds/notkai
Summary: A set of traditionally written one-shots, character studies, and explorations based in the [create new chat] universe. Check each chapter for individual summaries and warnings. Must read [create new chat] first for context and background knowledge.
Relationships: Cassiopeia Du Couteau/Jericho Swain, Khada Jhin & Shen & Zed, Shen & Akali, Shen & Khada Jhin, Shen & Lee Sin, Shen & Zed (League of Legends), Zed & Khada Jhin
Series: modern chatfic au (to be renamed) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1577182
Comments: 24
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shen has a dispute with Akali that leaves him questioning much of what he believes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLLA I'M BACK 
> 
> okay so i KNEW i said i was gonna focus on other shit but i went into fucking withdrawal after like four days and ended up writing about 8k for this universe. so far,,,,most of it is shen angst bc i'm Really Really fixated on him as a character, and y'all will have to bear the brunt of that. i'm gonna post a lil list of my ideas for future chapters in the closing notes. if there's anything you want to see explored/expanded upon, please lmk!!!! 
> 
> and just as a reminder bc im thirsty, if you liked this chapter, pls leave a comment!! engagement fuels me and i will write at least one line in ur honor if u comment

Shen had a calendar on his desk that had ten days a month highlighted in red. These days were the Uposatha- Buddhist observance days on which practicing Buddhists and Bodhisattva like Shen observed their respective precepts. Shen had observed these days ever since he was a child, at least in part. Certain elements, like fasting, were not allowed to be practiced by children for safety reasons. But now that he was grown, Shen fasted for the ten days of Uposatha. And up until now, that hadn't been a problem. 

Up until now, a _lot_ of the things Shen did hadn't been a problem. 

The life of an American college student wasn't one well-suited for a Buddhist, especially one who practiced as strictly as Shen did. It was difficult to find quiet, still places to meditate, difficult to find pure food, difficult to find those who practiced the same habits Shen did and provide him with some sense of community and connectedness. People judged the way Shen opted to live, and for the second time in his life, Shen found himself questioning the vows he had taken.

And there were a lot of them. When he was living in the monastery, Shen had undergone thirty-six vows, as all novices did; now that he was a lay Buddhist, living outside of a monastery, his Pratimokṣa was limited to the Five Precepts, along with an additional eight for fasting. Still, Shen tried to follow the ten major Bodhisattva precepts as well. He had been raised as a Bodhisattva; a person meant to achieve total spiritual enlightenment. It was easy when he was living in an isolated village surrounded by people trying to do the same, but in America, it was a full-time job. And sometimes it was just the little things that made it difficult. 

It was the eight day of the lunar calendar. Shen had just gotten back from rehearsal, which had gone on for three hours. and he was _starving._ But it was Uposatha, so he was unable to eat. And that was completely fine with Shen. 

He had just set his backpack down and was about to start on a report for his speech class when someone pounded on his bedroom door. Shen opened it and found Akali, dressed casually and holding a ladle that was about to drip sauce onto the floor. "Hey, I made bulgogi. Come eat with us." 

"I can sit with you," Shen offered, following her out to the apartment's small dining room. Lee Sin was already seated at the dining room table, and he perked up when he heard Shen and Akali's footsteps. 

"Are you joining us?" Lee asked, sounding genuinely excited.

Shen nearly nodded but caught himself. "Uh, yeah. I'm just gonna sit with you, though." 

Lee Sin was seemingly satisfied with this answer. Akali, apparently, was not. She went over to the pan on the stove and ladled out some of the meat and rice onto a plate, which she set in front of Shen. 

Despite how hungry he was, the smell was nearly nauseating. Shen politely nudged the plate away from himself and asked, "What is this for?" 

Akali looked at him like the answer was obvious. "It's dinner," she said as she plated her own food. "You have to eat." 

Internally, Shen sighed. He didn't know much about Akali's childhood but knew that forced religion or tradition or _something_ had played a role in it, and now she was vehemently opposed to most forms of practiced, organized faith. It was something that Shen didn't totally understand nor agree with, but he could live with it. He and Akali got along about most other things, and they enjoyed spending time together. But she had made her stance about Shen's religion clear; she didn't respect nor understand it, and was more than happy to challenge Shen about it. 

Shen was hungry and tired and _really_ didn't want to deal with this tonight, but it was fine. Whatever. He plastered on a smile and gently reminded Akali, "I'm fasting today. For Uposatha." 

"You're still doing all of that?" Akali asked, sounding incredulous. That confused Shen; had he done something to imply he had stopped doing 'all of that', or that he intended to? As far as he was concerned, apostasy was not in the cards. Shen was about to ask for clarification when Akali sat down on the other side of the table and continued to speak. "I don't get it. Doesn't that make you feel, like, suppressed? You're literally starving yourself. How is that holy? How does that make you reach enlightenment?"

"Akali, c'mon, let's just eat," Lee pleaded, his brow creased in concern. 

Had her questions been genuine, Shen would have been more than happy to explain the purpose of upavasa. But they weren't; they were challenges, unspoken dares to engage. Shen knew better than to take the bait. It wasn't worth time nor energy, especially not on a day where he was meant to be more deeply saturated in his vows than most. "Akali, I'm really not-" 

"No, I don't fuckin' get it. Why would you bother now that your dad isn't making you? Seriously, you're twenty and you've never had meat or alcohol or had se-" 

Shen stood up abruptly, stepping away from the table and pushing his chair in. He gave Akali a faux-cheery smile and said, "I'm really glad you feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts about my faith with me, but I have some other stuff to be focusing on. I hope you enjoy your dinner." 

He was vaguely aware of both Lee and Akali speaking, maybe to him, as he turned his back and walked to his bedroom, but Shen tuned it out. He couldn't bear to hear whatever they were saying. 

\--

Akali was aware that what she was doing wasn't right, but she meant the best for Shen. She cared about him, and she hated seeing him torture himself like this. Although she didn't like to talk about it, Akali knew when a person was simply going through the motions of their religious practices. She knew Shen's meditations and prayers were hollow, and that he could no longer find fulfillment in his faith like he used to. And she was worried that it was doing him more harm than good. 

Still, as she watched pain and sorrow flash through Shen's eyes when she mentioned his dad, Akali knew she had made a mistake by taking this angle. It was too late to correct, though, at least in that moment. Akali had stood up to follow Shen when he turned to leave, but Lee Sin had heard the chair scraping across the floor as she stood and made a rapid "sit back down" gesture. 

Once they both heard the click of his door closing, Lee frowned in Akali's general direction. "You shouldn't have said any of that." 

"I know, but I-"

"I know you want to help, Akali, but this isn't the way to do it. You can't force him to make a decision or enter a conversation he isn't ready for. Shen has to figure this own on his own time." Lee sighed, dragging his chopsticks through the leftover sauce on his plate. Akali's own plate was still full, but her appetite was gone. 

Lee was quiet for a moment before continuing. "And no matter what your intentions are, or whatever master plan you're hoping to enact, it's not your place to speak like that. Bullying Shen about his decision to fast won't help you feel better about your own experiences with religion." 

Akali's cheeks flushed with shame. She knew Lee Sin was right. "I should apologize," she said after a moment of silence. 

Lee Sin nodded, dragging his fingertips over the tabletop until they came into contact with Shen's abandoned plate. Keeping his fingers against the edge so he knew where it was, Lee stole a couple pieces of beef from it. "You should," he agreed. "But not right now. Give him some time." 

\--

For the next hour, Shen stared at his laptop screen and managed to write the first two sentences of his report. He wasn't even aware of how much time had passed until his laptop made a musical noise, informing him that he needed to plug it in if he wanted to keep staring mindlessly at it. Shen just closed the device, knowing it was pointless to attempt writing. His mind was too crowded.

Akali's words stung on a variety of levels. Ever since he had moved to America for the second time, Shen had always been self-conscious about his lack of, well, _experience_ with certain things. Sometimes people were intrigued when he mentioned he was a Buddhist, but they tended to look at him like he'd grown a second head when he explained some of the restrictions it imposed. Like no drinking, drugs, or sex. People _especially_ got hung up about that last one. Didn't guys love sex, after all? And surely with Shen's height and build, weren't girls all over him? What about kids? Surely he didn't plan to be celibate _forever,_ right? 

That was only the most superficial level of injury that Akali's words had caused, though. Shen had kept all his questioning and uncertainly shoved into the back of his mind, promising himself that he would thoroughly examine it later. He knew he was lying to himself, but with so much recent change in his life, he couldn't bear to add more uncertainty. Shen's faith had always been a pillar, a sturdy foundation he could always fall back on. Even when everything went to shit, he knew he could rely on meditation and scripture to calm his mind and heart. He could simply remember the bigger picture, his eventual goal of being spiritually enlightened, and that perspective would help him move past whatever roadblock was in his way. 

But that hadn't worked as of late. More and more, Shen had been wondering how much of it was true. He had been raised Buddhist after all- he'd never had the luxury of deciding what he believed for himself. It had been decided for him. What if his wasn't what he really wanted? What if all this time, Shen had just been some brainwashed fool moving through motions he couldn't even know to be true and real? 

It made his heart ache to think about. It made panic stir inside of him. What else was he, besides Buddhist? 

Shen had gone to America and enrolled in college with the intention of answering that question. When he was leaving the monastery, having crossed the Chinese border to find an ATM and store to buy enough necessities to get him through his first month in America, that question had felt exciting. Leaving had felt bittersweet, but necessary, and almost empowering. He had felt like the world was now at his fingertips. There was nobody telling Shen what to do, or expecting anything of him. 

And now, after a few months? That question terrified him. 

All of he sudden, he was struck by the realization of how alone he was. He could no longer ask the nuns and monks of the monastery for guidance, and meditation and prayer seemed out of the question. His very thoughts were treasonous; surely, it would be poison to the soul for him to meditate on them. But after Akali's inquisition, all the insecurities and questions that he had locked away were at the forefront of his mind, and he couldn't banish them. 

He didn't know what to do or where to go for help. Shen couldn't ask his roommates, obviously, nor could he ask friends. They wouldn't know what to say. And he couldn't ask his father, because he had forcibly disowned himself by abandoning the monastery. 

That last realization stung more than anything. When Shen and Kusho had first ventured to America on a long-term missionary trip when Shen was fourteen, the culture shock had been _horrific_. Shen had been nauseous from the overwhelming sights, noise, and smells of the city, and completely unable to understand anything spoken above elementary English. But even then, even before he had met Zed and began to acclimate, Shen's father had been by his side the whole time. He had made it bearable. 

Now Shen didn't even have him. And he wished so badly, so innately, that he did. As childish as it was, Shen subconsciously wanted nothing more than to see his dad again and ask him for advice- for reassurance that everything would work out, and that even though Shen felt lost and confused, he wasn't doomed to spiritual depravity. 

But that would never happen. Shen was alone. And that _hurt._

Shen buried his face in his hands, giving up on his attempts to hold back tears. At least he still had some privacy, and nobody here was going to judge him for crying. Because he was alone. There was nobody _to_ judge him. 

Time passed without meaning, and eventually Shen ran out of tears and decided to call it quits for the night. He hadn't brushed his teeth or washed his face, but Shen didn't want to venture out of his room to accomplish either of those tasks. He just wanted to sleep. 

And of course, probably because of karma, someone knocked on Shen's door five minutes later. He laid there in silence, hoping it would deter whoever was knocking, but then Lee Sin said, "I know you're awake. Come open this, will you? I made tea." 

Shen _was_ allowed to drink tea, along with water, while fasting and it sure as hell sounded better than nothing. He rolled out of bed and made his way over to the door, weary that this might be an ambush, and that Akali might break in after using Lee as a decoy. He opened it a crack and saw Lee Sin holding two steaming mugs by their handles in one hand and using the other to follow the accessibility rails on their apartment's walls. No Akali in sight. 

He sighed and opened the door fully, reaching out to take Lee's free hand so he could guide him over to the bed. Shen didn't say anything as he curled back up on top of the covers, and Lee didn't seem bothered by this. He just held one of the mugs out to Shen and smiled when he took it. 

"It's jasmine. I know you prefer green but I think we're out right now," Lee said, leaning back against the wall that Shen's bed was tucked against. He took a long drink of his own tea, seemingly content to sit in silence for a bit. 

Shen drank his own tea slowly, allowing the heat to soothe away the rawness in his throat, brought on by crying. He was nearly done with the drink when Lee spoke again. 

"Akali regrets what she said." 

Shen didn't know what to say in response to that. His body felt drained, and even speaking felt like a monumental effort. So he remained silent. 

Lee pressed on. "I know you're probably feeling pretty shitty right now, and I can't blame you for that. Just know that we're here for you, okay? You don't have to feel alone in your own house. Akali cares about you and she wants what's best for you." He leaned in a bit closer, like he was telling a secret. "She won't admit it to you, Shen, but she thinks of you like an older brother. She can be a bitch sometimes, but her heart is in the right place." 

Shen sniffled and dragged a hand under his eyes, which were damp again. "Thank you," he murmured, staring down at his mug. 

Lee Sin nodded, draining the rest of the tea from his mug. He opened an arm to Shen and said, "Alright, I'll leave you alone now. Bring it in first, though." 

Shen couldn't help but smile. He set his mug down on his desk and leaned forward to hug Lee Sin. Lee was a tactile person by nature and necessity, but this seemed to be more for Shen's benefit. He couldn't complain, though. Nearly four years of isolation at the monastery had left him a bit... _hungry_ for affection. 

Lee hugged Shen close for a moment before pulling away, still leaving his free hand on Shen's arm. "Would you mind helping me out? I left my cane in the living room," he explained with a sheepish grin. 

Shen stood up with Lee and guided him back out. Just as Shen was about to slip back into his room, Lee Sin said, "Oh, by the way, Akali went out to grab some groceries. In case you were wondering."

That brought Shen a tiny amount of relief, knowing he had a window of time to move freely about the apartment without running into Akali and potentially reigniting this whole thing. One detail didn't line up, though. "Didn't we just go grocery shopping?" 

Lee grabbed his cane and moved it in a slow arc in front of him, reorienting himself. There was a sly grin on his face. "Yeah, but she forgot some stuff. Don't worry about it." 

Shen took his advice and decided not to dwell on the matter. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, then properly retired for the night. The majority of his homework was incomplete, but it didn't matter, since the only class he had the next day was a four o'clock. He would have plenty of time to wrap his assignments up before then. Everything could wait for tomorrow. 

\--

Tomorrow came, as many things recently had, with a knock on Shen's bedroom door. Shen normally woke up early to meditate or pray, but he had decided to sleep in- not that the decision seemed to matter much now. 

"Hey, Shen, wake up. I made something for you."

Shen was still half-asleep and took a moment to process what Akali meant. Made something? What, had she crafted an apology note? It took him a moment to realize that she probably meant _food._ Akali loved to cook, especially dishes that represented her Korean heritage. Knowing that, Shen figured whatever she had made was delicious, but likely contained something he wasn't allowed to have, so he could have to politely decline. 

Or maybe not. Maybe he would make an exception.

He rolled out of bed and opened the door. Shen could smell something familiar cooking, but couldn't place it right away. "Morning, Akali." 

"Morning." Akali seemed uncharacteristically nervous, shifting her weight from leg to leg. "You're not fasting anymore, right?" 

"Nope." 

She seemed a bit more relaxed upon hearing that. "Okay. Well, uhm, I made you food. As an apology for yesterday. I...was really out of line, and I know what I said was super hurtful." Akali seemed hesitant, almost shy as she spoke, and Shen couldn't help but feel a bit endeared. Akali clearly wasn't used to apologizing, but he appreciated it (and the prospective meal) nonetheless. 

"It's alright. I'm gonna shower and get dressed, and then I'll come out and eat. Is that alright?" Akali nodded and padded back into the kitchen, and Shen ducked back into his room. Religious purposes aside, meditating for ten minutes in the morning was just a part of his routine, and he felt like he couldn't really start his day without it. 

After Shen had gotten ready for the day, he went into the kitchen. Akali had been leaning against the counter, chatting with Lee Sin, but she immediately turned her attention to Shen when he walked in. She grabbed a bowl from the counter and removed the towel covering it, then presented it to Shen. "Here. I- um, I just googled the recipe, so it isn't anything special or anything, but..."

Shen immediately recognized the contents of the bowl. "You made me guthuk?" He asked, surprised and delighted. It had been eons since he'd had actual Tibetan food. 

Akali smiled, obviously pleased by his reaction. "I tried to, yeah. And it should be Buddha-approved. There's no garlic or onion, just radish, cilantro, and some other vegetable bullshit." 

Shen was starving, but he set the bowl down for a moment and walked over to Akali, pulling her into a brief hug. "Thank you," he murmured. "I really appreciate this. How long did it take you?" 

"A little over an hour," Akali replied, squeezing Shen for a moment before releasing him. She poured some into a bowl for herself as well. "Lee, do you want any?" 

"I'll never turn down food," Lee replied with a smile. He seemed satisfied at the way things worked out, and Shen felt the same. Despite how horrible and alone he had felt the night before, he now couldn't keep a smile off of his face.

Perhaps the reassurance that everything would work out in the end wouldn't come from his father or any of the monks or nuns that Shen grew up with. Perhaps he would have to seek it out on his own, or go without it and accept the possibility that maybe things wouldn't work out the way he had always planned. And that was alright. It had to be, since Shen didn't really have any other choice. And maybe he didn't _need_ other choices. 

He was still scared about the future, and still apprehensive to find out more about himself after thinking he knew all there was to know about himself for so many years. But now, sitting with his roommates and laughing and smiling with them over a bowl of guthuk, Shen no longer felt like he had to go on this journey alone. The help he needed may not come from the places he had expected, but that was alright. 

All that mattered was that he wasn't alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally cannot stop myself from making shen sad. it's becoming an issue. some of the themes present in this chapter (particularly crisis of faith and touch starvation) will be explored in coming chapters, and this is not the last you're gonna see of me bullying shen lmao. he's a bab and deserves to be protected and love, but he isn't gonna find it from me :) 
> 
> w/ this chapter i hoped to incorporate elements of akali's written lore (deviation from the kinkou bc she disagrees with how shen protects ionia) and her Zed comic lore (cooperation with shen despite differences, being generally friendly to him, etc). akali will appear in [cnc] at some point, perhaps soon, and her character will be developed further!! i tried not to make her too much of an asshole :') 
> 
> chapters to come, perhaps, and in no particular order:  
> 1\. cas and jeri's first date (currently writing)  
> 2\. young shen and jhin falling in love/young shen and zed friendship  
> 3\. katarina character study, exploration of her relationship w/ her dad  
> 4\. zed does not do well with christmas (exploration of the alter family)  
> 6\. touch-starved shen  
> 7\. kayn's quest to pet the tummy of rhaast, the campus cat  
> 8\. nosebleeds (already done but it's shen-centric so i'll wait until i've posted a couple non-shen chapters first) 
> 
> AND LAST BEFORE U LEAVE....i had an idea for something truly terrible. a spin-off of a spin-off idea. centered around shen and zed, mostly, dealing with VERY heavy topics and taking a VERY different tone from [create new chat]. it would exist as a total AU of the AU and have no canonical standing in [cnc]. is this smth you guys would be interested in??? please Let Me Know, or i will just do it anyway but feel insecure abt it
> 
> alright i need to sleep bc i have another 9hr shift tomorrow, ty for reading gn


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jericho and Cassiopeia's sort-of first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELCOME BACK FOR THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE DECADE, LADS!!! i actually struggled a bit writing this chapter since i'm not Totally familiar with either swain or cassiopeia (esp not swain,,,,i know he's like an old military dude In Lore but DAMMIT he's very soft here), but i'm satisfied with how the chapter came out!!! as always, if u liked this chapter, pls leave a comment to let me know!! i am also taking idea suggestions for new chapters. if there is smth in the [cnc] universe that you would like to see explored, lmk!!!

One of the benefits of living close to a big city was the scale of the tourist attractions. Swain had grown up in a rural area several states away, and had never experienced some of the fun activities that a large city had to offer. As such, he was just as excited to go to the zoo as Cassiopeia was. He had proposed the outing while they were hanging out in between classes, and Cass had immediately agreed. Swain knew she loved animals, yeah, but her glee was nearly childlike, and it was absolutely _adorable._ Swain actually had to look away while she gushed about the various habitats she'd hoped to see, because her smile was just that blindingly beautiful. 

Swain had actually never been to a real zoo. He had grown up near farms, been to a petting zoo once, and hung around several aviaries while being licensed in falconry, but that was it. He had no idea what to expect, and ended up asking some questions that were probably painfully obvious. Did zoos _actually_ have polar bears? Wasn't that unethical? 

Cass hadn't minded the questions at all, and had explained the ethics and logistics of keeping large and non-native animals in peaceful captivity. They chatted all the way up until their train arrived at the zoo. Despite his best efforts, Swain couldn't keep his jaw from dropping when he saw the place. The zoo was fucking massive! 

It was a nudge and a giggle from Cass that broke the spell. "Impressive, isn't it?" 

"Yeah, you could say that," Jericho replied, following her to the gates so they could scan their tickets. He was most excited to see the birds of prey, and Cass was looking forward to the reptile exhibit. She already had a game plan to cover as much ground as possible, and Jeri was happy to let her lead the way. 

Once their tickets were checked in, Cassiopeia grabbed Jericho's hand to begin leading him in the proper direction. Jeri thanked the merciful god above that Cass didn't turn around until they had reached their first destination, because his whole face had lit up with a blush. He had planned to use this outing to properly ask Cass out, of course, but he didn't want to make things obvious before the moment was right. 

As far as Jericho knew, Cassiopeia was as into him and he was into her. She responded to his flirtations with ones of her own, offering him coy little smiles and teasing remarks that nobody else got. She spent a considerable amount of time with him alone, too- and sure, that might mean that she just liked him as a friend. Jeri was mentally prepared for the possibility of rejection and had set up a whole "I understand and hope we can still be friends" spiel in his head, should the situation come to that. 

"I think this place has gotten bigger since the last time Kat and I were here," Cassiopeia mused, snapping Jericho out of his thoughts. She had taken them to a large indoor exhibit. The inside was darkly lit, and the walls and floor were designed to mimic stony outcrops in a desert. Jeri thought Cas would let go of his hand, but she kept a gentle hold on it as they moved throughout the exhibit. 

That is, until pictures became necessary. And they most certainly were. The lighting wasn't _great_ for pictures, but even Jeri couldn't deny how adorable the porcupines were. One of them was dragging a toy of some sort around the exhibit and accidentally bumped into the wall of his enclosure, which made Cass giggle. "Do you think their quills actually hurt?" She mused as she took a picture of the animal. 

Jericho had to think for a second. "Don't they usually shoot those at prey? I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't feel nice to be stuck with one of those." 

Cass nodded, although he wasn't sure if it was in agreement or just acknowledgement. She tucked her phone back into her pocket and slipped her arm through Jeri's, walking with him to the next enclosure. As they watched cute little rodent mice scurry around their enclosure, Jeri again found himself thanking the higher powers that the exhibit's dim lighting made his blush fairly well concealed. 

The rest of the desert enclosure featured spiny lizards, colorful snakes, and even an aviary with a few species of bat. That was especially interesting, and Jeri found himself leaning over the railing to get a peek at their oddly shaped noses and ears. One of the bats had a baby tucked under her wing and was licking its head, which was far too cute to resist filming and sending to the group chat. 

The next exhibit was outdoors and featured big cats, most of which were lounging around in the sun. There were tigers lazily flicking their tails at the occasional fly, lions rolling around an empty pumpkin in their enclosure, and a mother caracal feeding its young. The animals were fun to watch, but more often than not, Jericho found his eyes trailing over to Cassiopeia. She was clearly enamored with all the various critters, her eyes often alight as she watched them move about. 

It was absolutely _adorable,_ and on a couple occasions, Jericho took a quick picture of her when she wasn't looking. She was, after all, far cuter than any desert lizard or big cat. 

But even Cassiopeia's beauty wasn't enough to keep Jeri distracted when they reached the aviary. Jeri had always been interested in birds of prey- their powerful wings and razor-sharp talons made them interesting creatures for sure, but Jeri was more intrigued by their perseverance. Some birds of prey lived in brutal conditions, like desert cliffs or permafrosted tundras. They were small enough to be considered a meal by most creatures, but remained at the top of their food chains. And he knew from firsthand experience how intelligent and stubborn birds were. There was no forcing a bird to do something it didn't want to, and it took a special kind of patience, dedication, and understanding to train large birds to perform in shows and renaissance fairs. 

The aviary was expansive, and Jeri was absolutely captivated by the beauty of each animal. There was a turkey vulture, a couple different kinds of owls, a red-tailed hawk, and most impressive, a massive bald eagle. Its wingspan had to be close to seven feet, and it was clearly the alpha- the other birds gave it a wide berth. 

There was an exhibit guide standing at an outpost near the aviary, handing out pamphlets and telling people all about the different kinds of birds and their habitats, diets, and hunting patterns. Once there was a lull in the amount of tourists chatting with the guide, Jeri struck up a conversation with her. Cass took several pictures and videos of the birds, even 'pspspspsp'ing at one of the smaller owls in an attempt to draw it closer, while Jeri talked with the guide about her experience with the birds. 

Eventually, Jeri acknowledged the need to view other exhibits, even though he could have stood there and chatted about birds for _hours_. They moved onto the next exhibit, which featured massive pachyderms that left them both awed by the sheer size of the beasts. They also visited the tropics, the Australian exhibit, and, of course, the reptiles.

The reptiles and amphibians ranged from tiny poison dart frogs to crocodiles- actual, real _crocodiles_. Jeri's first question upon seeing them was, "Don't the zookeepers have to feed those things? What if the crocs eat them?" 

Cass laughed, leaning over to bump Jericho's shoulder with her own. "I'm sure there are safety procedures in place. And the zookeepers don't, like, hand-feed them or anything. Maybe they drop the food in somehow." 

Jeri snorted at the mental image of a zookeeper nervously tossing a massive hunk of meat into the crocodile exhibit. "Sure. They probably use drones. Or tiny, tiny remote-operated cranes." 

He couldn't help a smile from forming on his face when Cassiopeia laughed, even though his joke wasn't the funniest thing in the world. They spent more time in the reptile exhibit than they had anywhere else so far, including the aviary. Cass was obviously fascinated by the creatures, and had no issue with standing on tip-toe or kneeling down to get a better look at the critters. In the end, it was both of their growling stomachs that drew them away from the (admittedly very cool) snakes and lizards. 

They headed over to the food court and paid for their ridiculously expensive lunches before finding a seat at one of the many picnic tables. Their conversation continued in between bites of food, and then in full swing once they were done eating. Cass nudged Jeri's foot with her own and asked, "So, is this living up to your expectations?"

Jericho chuckled. "It's well exceeded them, actually. This place his _huge,"_ he replied. He wasn't even sure it was possible to see everything in just one visit, especially taking season attractions into account. "I'm a bit biased, but the aviary has been my favorite so far. What about you? You said you've come here with your sister before, is it any different?" 

"Not really different, but it's just as fun each time," Cass explained. Jericho nodded, trying his best not to get distracted by how gorgeous Cass was. She had lined the inner corners of her eyes with a metallic gold liner that caught the light every time she blinked, and it brought out the flecks of amber in her brown eyes. Jericho found it impossible to look away. "Normally I would say the reptiles are my favorite, but the bats are pretty cool as well. Especially the little Honduran white ones. They look like cream puffs with wings!" 

Jeri recalled the tiny white bats and nodded. They were certainly adorable- nowhere near as adorable as Cass, though. Their lunch eventually came to a close and Jericho realized this was his opportunity. He poked Cass' leg with his foot to get her attention and said, "Can I ask you about something?" 

Her expression was hard to read, but Cass nodded anyway. "Yeah, go right ahead." 

Jericho had planned out a whole mini-speech to give to Cass about his affections and desire to be in a relationship with her, but now that he was here in front of her, Jeri's mind completely blanked. Fuck, time to improv. "I know we haven't known each other a super long time, but I think you're a really cool person. You're funny and unique, and I love spending time with you. And...honestly, I've been crushing on you for a while, now. I don't want you to feel pressured to say yes, or say anything at all, and if you just want to be friends, I'm totally cool with that. But I was wondering...if you would like to date me?" 

The concluding question came out a hair weaker than Jericho would have liked, but his nerves had gotten the better of his voice. Cass didn't seem to mind. A small but persistent smile had formed on her face while Jeri was talking, and once he was finished, she reached across the table and took his hand. "I would love to." 

Jeri couldn't stop himself from grinning like an idiot. He squeezed her hand affectionately and tried to think of something to say- but all that came out was, "You mean it?" 

Cass giggled, and it nearly made Jericho's heart explode. "Of course. I think you're a wonderful man, and I've had feelings for you for a while as well. My sister was actually- oh, fuck, my sister." Cass' face fell for a moment, and Jericho was about to ask what was wrong when she continued speaking- this time, a bit sheepishly. "I, uh, Kat kind of placed a bet with me that you were gonna ask me out by the end of the week." 

Cassiopeia looked a bit embarrassed, like she was waiting for Jericho to scold her, but he honestly couldn't. He laughed, shaking his head. "Well, I hope you didn't lose too much money." 

"Only ten bucks," Cass replied, still smiling. "So, is this our first official date?" 

"I think so," Jericho mused. "And I think it's a damn impressive one, too. We still have, like, ten exhibits to move through, right?"

"At _least_ ten." Cass stood up, and Jeri did as well, gathering their trash and throwing it away. Cass linked hands with him again once they were back on the walking path, and even though they were now an official thing, Jeri still blushed at the affectionate contact. "What do you want to see next? The rainforest?" 

"Anything you want," He replied, lifting Cass' hand to his mouth and placing a gentle kiss on the back of her knuckles. Cassiopeia turned bright red and giggled, bumping her hip into Jericho's. 

"You're such a sap," She teased, although it was clear she was won over by the tiny kiss. Cass squeezed his hand again, and Jeri returned it. "Come on, we can kiss and cuddle all we want once the zoo closes. How about we check out some jaguars in the meantime?" 

"Sounds good to me." And that would have been Jericho's response no matter what Cassiopeia suggested; anywhere Cass went, Jericho was planning on following. They were a team now, a unit; two halves of a recently constructed whole. Jericho felt like the luckiest man in the world as he toured the rest of the zoo with Cass. And as amazing as all the exhibits, all the unique creatures and stunning biomes were, there was nothing more intriguing or beautiful to Jericho than the girl standing next to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god they're so soft :')
> 
> UP NEXT will probably be either:   
> 1\. kayn's quest to pet the tummy of rhaast, the campus cat  
> OR   
> 2\. a two-part exploration of zed's family, his experiences with religion, and the reason Christmas sucks at the Alter household 
> 
> idk when either of those will be coming out since my computer is being an Absolute Bitch and making it Difficult to do stuff, but i will do my fuckin darnedest to continue writing for this universe!! also wrote another 1.5k words of shen angst today bc i truly cannot fucking stop myself. send help please. 
> 
> smash that like button and hit subscribe to see new content from these soft token hets in the future ty gn


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayn likes cats. Rhaast, the campus cat, does not like people. Hijinks ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE!!!!! KAYN TRYING TO PET RHAAST!!! 
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter and i hope you guys enjoy reading it as well :) somehow i accidentally managed to add some relationship building and friendly jhin/zed into here,,so enjoy that as well lmao
> 
> as always if u enjoyed this chapter, leave a comment!! i am always taking suggestions and ideas for new bullshit to add to this series! coming up next is either: exploration of the alter family (i was gonna do this for christmas but uhhhhhhh i didn't, and now Christmas is over, so i feel weird trying to do a holiday chapter AFTEr the holidays) or an exploration of katarina and her relationship w her dad

"If he stares at you, it means he doesn't like you."

"No, it means he's trying to assert his dominance," Kayn replied, not allowing Jhin's input to interrupt his staring contest with Rhaast. Rhaast was one of the campus cats, with the other being an elusive kitty Kayn had only spotted once or twice. Rhaast wandered the campus more often, but was arguably even less social. He had no problem lying down to sunbath in the middle of a sidewalk, or attacking someone's untied shoelaces, or even pawing at the door of the cafe to try to get in. But legend held it that nobody had ever successfully pet Rhaast without being scratched or bitten. 

Zed was also leering at Rhaast, but the tabby was holding steadfast eye contact with Kayn alone. "I think it means he's planning to do something awful to you," Zed declared, flipping a page in his notebook. "Cats are already demonic to start with, and Rhaast looks like one as well." 

Kayn momentarily looked away from Rhaast, who was sitting right outside the campus cafe's window, to give Zed a chastising look. "Hey, don't bully Rhaast. He can't help how he looks. Plus, cats are perfectly fine as long as you don't treat them like dogs." 

Jhin nodded, humming a couple notes as he glanced out the window at Rhaast. "Oh, he's ugly, I'll give you that. But cats can be sweethearts." 

"I'm a bit biased against them, since I'm allergic, but I've never met a cat who didn't hate people." Zed gestured out the window to Rhaast. "And he's not a great example of a cat that breaks the norm." 

Kayn really couldn't disagree with either perspective. Rhaast was certainly no model kitten- he was actually quite large for an adult tabby. His fur was a mottled black-brown, with a few lighter chunks near his paws. He was missing a couple toes on his back left paw, along with a chunk of his right ear, and his tail had an odd crook in it no matter what position it was in. There were a couple lines of scar tissue on his back and legs where fur wouldn't grow. And, of course, there was his antisocial behavior. 

He was a hideous, rude cat, and Kayn wanted nothing more than to pet him. 

Jhin and Zed were both aware of this mission, and thought Kayn was a complete dunce for pursuing it. Jhin was at least polite about it, saying that he was concerned for Kayn's physical well-being since Rhaast was known to attack those attempting to pet him. Zed simply maintained his stance that all cats were inherently evil. 

They had come to the cafe with the intention of finishing their first round of post-winter-break homework, but Kayn had immediately been distracted by the yellow gaze of Rhaast. "I bet if you pet him at just the right spot, he won't bite," Kayn hypothesized. One of the foster homes he'd lived in had an old Siamese cat who had taken nearly three months to warm up to Kayn, but eventually became his closest friend there. Maybe Rhaast would be similar. 

"I doubt it. People have lost fingers to that beast," Jhin said, tapping the eraser of his pencil against his chin as he gazed at his sketchbook with deep contemplation. Kayn, who was as artistically gifted as the average Canadian goose, thought the anatomy study Jhin was working on looked great, but he knew Jhin was too much of a perfectionist to settle for just 'great'. "And he's more of an outdoor cat, right? So I doubt luring him with food or treats would work." 

Kayn nodded. Rhaast certainly looked like an outdoor cat, and his lack of collar solidified that. "I think his owner lives somewhere nearby, since we always see him hanging around campus. But he definitely seems like an outdoor kitty."

"And that's a blessing for his owner, I bet. Look at how much fur he has- I bet his shedding is absolutely nightmarish in the spring. Just imagine trying to clean that off of furniture."

Zed shuddered outwardly for a moment. "Just thinking about that much fur makes my face itch," he muttered, nose crinkling adorably as he spoke. Kayn wanted to reach out and boop the tip of Zed's nose, just for fun, but he knew better than to try that. His relationship with Zed was still in the "friend of a friend" zone, but they were slowly growing closer independent of Jhin and Rakan. And despite how enamored he was, Kayn knew better than to try to rush something between them. Come to think of it, Kayn's tactics for trying to get close to Rhaast weren't too unlike his tactics for befriending Zed. 

The thought made him chuckle a bit. Beneath the table, Kayn nudged Zed's foot with his own and said, "I don't know why you wouldn't like cats, given that you're so much like one yourself."   
  
Zed gave Kayn a foul look (with no real venom behind it, Kayn could tell), and Jhin laughed. "Kayn isn't wrong," Jhin conceded, poking Zed's arm with his pencil and earning a glare in his direction. "You're rude and temperamental on the surface, but you'll give affection to those close to you." 

"I don't give affection to anyone," Zed snapped, swatting Jhin's hand away when he attempted to ruffle Zed's hair. 

Jhin scoffed and shook his head, prodding Zed with his pencil again. "That's bullshit and you know it." He gave Kayn a knowing grin and said, "Seriously, all he needs is a little tequila in his system, and he'll be draping himself all over people. Even when he's sober sometimes- oh, you should have seen the way he used to cuddle up with S-" Jhin was cut off by Zed clapping a hand over his mouth after finally bypassing Jhin's defensive pencil jabs. Jhin's eyes were full of teasing mirth, and Zed looked like he was ready to commit a murder. 

Kayn couldn't help but laugh at the idea of Zed cuddling with anyone at all. He certainly didn't seem like a cuddly person, just the way Rhaast didn't look like a cuddly cat. The thought prompted Kayn to look back out the window. Rhaast had disappeared. "Aww, where'd he go?"

"Probably back to hell, to drop off the innocent souls he's collected lately," Zed hypothesized. His hand was still clamped over Jhin's mouth, although he yanked it away a second later, disgust painted all over his face. "You gross fucker, did you lick me?" 

"You should know better than to keep your hand over someone's mouth for that long," Jhin said. Kayn gave an absentminded nod of agreement, but his focus was elsewhere. His opportunity in that moment may have past, but he was still determined to pet Rhaast before the end of the year. 

\--

Rhaast could frequently spotted outside of the university library- particularly, lying right in front of the entrance and forcing students to walk around him. It wasn't the most convenient place to attempt to pet the cat, but it was late enough at night that nobody would be around to watch Kayn. 

Kayn had a game plan. Step one: approach cat slowly. 

The tabby leered at Kayn through narrowed eyes, tail flicking back and forth as he sat cross-legged on the concrete step in front of the library. It was cold as hell, but Rhaast didn't seem the least bit bothered by the weather. Kayn certainly was, despite the hat and scarf he was wearing, but he understood that this was a crucial phase in his plan. Rhaast had to get used to Kayn's general presence. 

Kayn's stare-down with Rhaast in the cafe hadn't ended especially well, and Cassiopeia (resident animal expert) had later told him that cats preferred indirect eye contact, so Kayn made sure to not look directly at Rhaast. He pulled his phone out and scrolled through twitter for a while, occasionally peeking at Rhaast out of the corner of his eyes. Rhaast hadn't taken his gaze off of Kayn, but hadn't moved away from him either. 

Alright, cat had been approached and did not seem to directly oppose Kayn's presence. Step two: close distance between self and cat.

Kayn moved a bit closer to Rhaast. His tail, which had previously stilled, began flicking back and forth again. Kayn wasn't sure if this was a good sign or not. Maybe it was a warning sign...or maybe it was an invitation to move closer. Knowing the kind of cat Rhaast was, Kayn wasn't particularly inclined to believe it was the first option. He stayed where he was. 

Another ten minutes passed before Rhaast's threatening tail-swishing ceased, and Kayn repeated the move-closer-and-wait pattern twice, until there were just a few inches between himself and Rhaast. 

Now was his chance!

Still not looking at Rhaast, Kayn slowly extended his open hand towards the cat. He peeked out of the corner of his eye- just in time to see Rhaast's paw getting ready to swipe. Kayn yanked his hand back to his side, and Rhaast's paw collided with empty air. The cat didn't seem pleased with this outcome and stood up, stretching before moving a few paces away from Kayn and lying down again. 

Despite having narrowly avoided an attack and little more, Kayn was happy with what he accomplished. Rhaast probably needed a slow acclimation to people, and most students probably weren't willing to give that. Kayn had more patience than that, though. He didn't mind just sitting in silence and letting Rhaast get used to him, just as he was getting used to Rhaast. 

\--

For four days, Kayn returned to the step of the library and sat a couple feet away from Rhaast. For four days, Rhaast would watch as Kayn moved closer to him in tiny increments. And for four days, Kayn would narrowly dodge a swat from Rhaast's paws. 

The fifth day was different, though. Kayn wasn't sure what it was, but Rhaast seemed more tolerant today. He wasn't whipping his tail back and forth, nor was he leering at Kayn. Most notably, though, when Kayn extended his hand towards the cat, Rhaast didn't swipe at him. 

This delighted Kayn immensely. Progress was being made! Rhaast didn't seem particularly interested in Kayn's extended hand, so Kayn moved it just a few centimeters closer to Rhaast. His tail began swishing in a gesture of warning. Kayn knew he was pushing it, and decided to pack up for the night, so to speak.   
  
He shoved the script he had been highlighting back into his backpack and turned towards Rhaast before leaving. "Everyone says you're a demon, but I really don't think you're that bad." 

Rhaast blinked slowly at Kayn. Kayn figured it must have meant something and returned the gesture, then went back to his dorm for the evening. 

\--

"I've gotten through the first two phases of my plan," Kayn informed Jhin and Zed as they walked to their first preliminary rehearsal. All the cast members had received their scripts before winter break and were meant to use the four-week break to begin learning their lines. Kayn had done his best, but most of his script-work had involved actually reading chunks of Les Mis and researching exactly what the hell was going on. He conceded that the music was wonderful, and he was sure the plot made perfect sense to people who already knew what was going on. But for Kayn, it had been largely a confusing jumble of names and years. 

Hopefully that would all be sorted out during the sing-throughs, though. Jhin had explained that the first portion of rehearsals involved everyone in the cast gathering in the performing art center's chorus room and singing through piece-by-piece while taking musical instruction from Rakan, Zed, and the other direction (whose name may or may not have slipped Kayn's mind). Then, once everyone had the music down, blocking and dancing would begin. Blocking, Kayn had been told, was a fancy name for standing and walking places on stage. Finally, everything would come together with set pieces, costumes, lighting, and the actual orchestra playing through the show, instead of just Zed and Jhin alternating on the piano. 

Kayn was more excited than he anticipated being. Even after being cast and given a script, it hadn't totally set in that he was a lead role in a musical production for the school. Now that he was actually going to a rehearsal, it felt much more real, and Kayn couldn't wait. 

"And what exactly have those phases been?" Jhin asked, tactfully stepping past a frozen puddle on the sidewalk.

"Getting him used to my presence." 

Zed scoffed. "And how exactly is that helping you pet him?" 

"He needs to be used to my scent and stuff, so that I'm familiar? I mean, how would you feel if some random person came up to you and tried to hug you? It's kinda like that with Rhaast. He probably doesn't want to be pet by random people. But if he knows me, he won't mind," Kayn hypothesized. Jhin sighed in equal parts fondness and exasperation at the end of his explanation. 

Zed had a look on his face like he wanted to tell Kayn how stupid his plan was, but knew it wouldn't make the slightest amount of difference. So he instead asked, "And what is the third phase?" 

"Actually petting him- come on, don't look at me like that! It's possible." 

"Sure, sure." 

Kayn followed Zed and Jhin through the fine arts building into one of the chorus rooms. He had never actually been in there before, and he was impressed by the size of it. There were stacks of chairs along the back wall, and a massive mirror covered the wall at the front of the room. There was a piano near the front of the room with various towers of paper sitting on the bench. Zed began rummaging through those while Jhin and Kayn gathered the group of students milling about. 

Kayn naturally hung around Jhin, since he didn't know anyone else, but his attention was soon caught by a familiar set of yellow eyes peering at him through one of the windows. It was Rhaast, who had leapt up onto a trash can positioned near the window and used that as a jumping point to reach the windowsill. He was watching Kayn curiously, tail curved over his back. 

Jhin noticed the cat as well and chuckled, nudging Kayn. "Is he following you around now?"

"It would appear so," Kayn said, padding over to the window. Rhaast watched him for a moment, but the moment was broken by the sound of Zed whistling sharply to get everyone's attention. Rhaast leapt off the windowsill and scampered away, glancing back at Kayn before disappearing. Kayn offered the cat a tiny wave of goodbye before turning his attention to role call. 

\--

Rhaast was waiting for Kayn outside the fine art building when he and Jhin left, with Zed having stayed behind to sort out a couple minor schedule conflicts with other cast members. Kayn grinned and waved at Rhaast, ignoring the look Jhin was giving him. 

"You know he can't wave back to you, right?"

"He's waving spiritually. I can feel it," Kayn asserted, walking over to Rhaast. Despite Jhin's proximity, Rhaast didn't scamper away or hiss. He just watched with narrowed eyes as Kayn knelt down next to him and extended one hand. 

Jhin tried not to act intrigued as Rhaast carefully sniffed Kayn's hand before resuming his disinterested staring. Kayn, both emboldened by Rhaast's initial interest and deterred by his lack of action, decided to make a bold move- reach out and try to pet the underside of Rhaast's chin. If there was anything that living with cats had taught him, it was that cats loved to be scratched right under the chin. 

Or so he had thought. 

Before Kayn was aware that Rhaast had even moved, his teeth were sunk a fourth of an inch deep into Kayn's hand. Kayn yelped and reflexively yanked his hand away while Rhaast watched him, almost to assess how Kayn would react. 

His hand now featured two puncture wounds, almost like a fucking vampire had bit him, both bleeding rather profusely for how small they were. And they fucking stung, too. Kayn huffed a sigh and glared at Rhaast, who flicked his tail. "What happened to just swatting at me, huh? You couldn't have stuck with that?" 

"I think that's cat-speak for leave me alone," Jhin said, walking over to Kayn and effectively scaring Rhaast off. He raised a brow when he saw the state of Kayn's hand, which was now dripping blood onto the grass. "Jesus. You've been vaccinated for rabies, right?"

"He's not rabid," Kayn protested as Jhin helped him up. "He's just a bitch, apparently. Which doesn't bother me," he amended rapidly. "Given that I'm friends with both you and Zed." 

"I'll pretend I'm not deeply insulted by that, if only because you're injured," Jhin responded. A second later, a dangerous glint appeared in his eyes. "Speaking of Zed, though- you two have been getting along rather nicely, haven't you? Zed normally doesn't take to people as well as he did to you." Kayn's face heated up with a blush, and he was about to respond to Jhin's comments with he pressed on. "Don't think I didn't notice you stealing glances at his ass during rehearsal- or at Shen, for that matter." 

If Kayn's face had been warm before, it was now hot enough to cook an egg. "What can I say?" He replied with nonchalance he didn't actually feel. "Your ex is kinda hot." 

That was a grand understatement on Kayn's part. He had always favored tall, muscular men (hence his attraction to Zed), and Shen was built like a brick shithouse. He was an inch or two shorter than Jhin, who towered over everyone, but he was toned as hell. And his voice was something to be admired as well. 

"I think you just have a thing for guys who look like they could beat the shit out of you."

Kayn snorted. "You certainly aren't wrong." 

Jhin insisted on walking Kayn to the campus wellness center, where a nurse wrapped his hand up and advised against trying to pet Rhaast again. Already, though, Kayn was mentally planning his next encounter with Rhaast. Kayn was nothing if not persistent in pursuing what he wanted- and dammit, he wanted to pet that ugly cat. 

\--

The next time Kayn encountered Rhaast, it was on his way back from his last afternoon class the following day. Rhaast had been lingering outside the café, roughly in the same spot that Kayn had seen him the first time. He watching Kayn closely, and as Kayn approached the café, Rhaast padded over to him and circled his ankles a couple times. 

Kayn wasn't entirely sure what this meant. Maybe Rhaast just wanted to go inside the café? It was technically against the rules, but he usually found a way to sneak in when he wanted to. Kayn opened the door, giving Rhaast plenty of room to go in, but the cat remained firmly planted at Kayn's feet. 

"Are you trying to apologize to me?" Kayn asked, letting the door close and stepping aside so people could still get in and out of the building. He pushed back the sleeve of his jacket, revealing his bandaged hand. "You took a fuckin' chunk out of me, you know." 

Kayn knelt down again and extended the same hand to Rhaast. The tabby sniffed the bandages experimentally, and then- to Kayn's absolute astonishment- licked the very edge of the bandage, like a silent apology.

Kayn couldn't have wiped the dumb grin off his face if he had tried. "I forgive you," He said, settling down next to Rhaast. Rhaast took a couple experimental steps towards Kayn before sitting down as well. "I still want to pet you, y'know." 

Rhaast blinked at Kayn. 

Cas had told him that the slow blinking meant Rhaast liked Kayn. That in and of itself was a massive accomplishment- who knew that it would only take a couple weeks for the alleged demon-cat to actually become fond of someone? The accuracy of that statement was to be debated, since Rhaast had practically mauled Kayn the day before, but that wasn't enough to deter Kayn from possibly befriending the cat.   
  
"Will you bite me if I try to pet you?" Kayn asked, giving Rhaast a critical look. 

Again, Rhaast just blinked at him. Kayn took this as a reassurance that Rhaast wouldn't try to take any fingers off and reached out slowly, mentally prepared to rip his hand back at the first sign of danger. 

There was no danger this time, though. Kayn's fingertips made contact with the underside of Rhaast's chin, and he slowly began to rub the area. 

Rhaast's eyes drifted shut for a moment, then opened again. Emboldened by the lack of resistance, Kayn shifted the angle of his wrist so he could actually get a few firm scratches in as he pet Rhaast. After a few moments, the tabby actually began to purr. Kayn could have fucking cheered, but knew that would disturb the moment. He just smiled and continued petting Rhaast. 

Eventually, Rhaast must have gotten bored or hungry, because he padded back over to the cafe's door and began pawing at it, demanding entry. Kayn sighed, pulling the sleeve of his jacket back down over his hand. "You know you're not allowed in there, right?" 

Rhaast flicked his tail teasingly. Kayn stood up and, after a moment of contemplation, opened the door for the cat and walked in after him. The café was empty enough that nobody immediately reprimanded Kayn for letting Rhaast inside, so he bought a drink and settled down to continue memorizing his lines. 

Rhaast paced around the building for a few minutes, then eventually settled down at Kayn's feet. An employee poked her head around the corner and eyed Rhaast wearily, but she seemed to not mind his presence so long as he wasn't causing any trouble. 

After a couple hours, Kayn packed up and was about to head back to his dorm. Rhaast had fallen asleep beneath the table, and Kayn quickly knelt down to give him a scratch behind the ears (and take a picture) before leaving. Rhaast opened one eye and lazily flicked his tail at Kayn. Kayn smiled and waved as well. 

  
[Private Chat: virtuoso, deathmark, shadowreaper]

shadowreaper: [image attached]

shadowreaper: I DID IT LADS I PET THE DEMON CAT 

virtuoso: i'll be damned, I didn't know he was capable of receiving affection 

deathmark: You actually put your hand near that thing after it bit you? 

shadowreaper: his name is Rhaast and yes I did, bc he is Babey once you get to know him

virtuoso: you should give it a try, zed. maybe you and rhaast will get along since you have such similar demeanors

deathmark: I think I would rather die, but thanks for the input. 

virtuoso: anytime, love 

shadowreaper: :) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhh. ive had some Thoughts about what i want the endgame ships to be for the cnc universe, and i think I've reached a Decision. some of that is established here,,,,but will eventually be explored in the cnc universe. 
> 
> i don't have a Ton to say, but I will give a disclaimer that chapters might be coming out a bit slower in these next couple months. i got a new laptop so all is good on that front, BUT second semester started and im taking 18 credit hours so it's time to die. hopefully i won't accidentally go on another six month hiatus lol. ty for reading hit that subscribe button and drop a comment below if u liked this, gn folks


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shen has always been prone to nosebleeds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact about the author. i took four years of medical classes and did not get a degree in medicine. sometimes i write things solely to flex those medical muscles. this is one of those things.
> 
> closing note has info about upcoming chapters for both cnc and sd so fuckin read that on ur way out!!

They were officially underway with the rehearsal phase of Les Miserables, and Zed was exhausted. Between normal studying, being at four-hour rehearsals each and every day, and cramming for his organic chemistry final, it felt like years since Zed had gotten a proper night's sleep. Of course, all of this was compounded by his usual insomnia. Smoking usually helped him relax enough to fall asleep, but recently, no amount of THC was helping him at night. So he just resigned himself to drinking absurd amounts of coffee and taking cat naps where and when he could. 

Like now, for example. Their dance choreographer Irelia was working on the dance for Master of the House with the chorus members, which means Zed, Rakan, and some other lead characters were shooed off the stage. Zed immediately headed to the men's dressing room and shoved four folding chairs together to drape himself over. He laid an arm over his eyes, imagining he was somewhere more comfortable. Like a bed. Or a couch. Or literally anywhere but a dressing room, lying on a row of folding chairs. Maybe lying on the makeup counter would be more comfortable...no, too close to the lights. He would have to settle. 

Shen was already in the dressing room, opting to sit on the floor for some reason unknown to Zed. He had his back against the wall and his backpack next to him, and he had been working on something when Zed came in. Things had smoothed over considerably since Shen, Zed, and Jhin all confronted each other about Zed's choice to out Shen. Their friendship had repaired itself with near immediacy, as if they never truly stopped being friends in the first place. Of course, Zed placed all of this on Shen's endlessly forgiving, selfless nature. And he imagined it was that same nature that prompted Shen to say, "That doesn't look very comfortable." 

Zed couldn't disagree. Already, his back was protesting the flat, cold material. He sighed and tried to shift onto his side, and nearly fell off the chairs. "It isn't."

He heard Shen chuckle, and then say, "Come here." 

"Hm?" Zed lifted his arm off of his eyes. 

"Come here." Shen gestured to the space on next to him, and Zed immediately wrinkled his nose. 

"On the fuckin' floor? Yeah, no, I'm good." He tried once more to turn over, but miscalculated and ended up slipping off of the chairs entirely. 

Shen laughed, undoubtedly shaking his head as Zed groaned and sat up, shoving one of the traitorous folding chairs aside. "It seems you're on the floor anyway. May as well join me, right?" 

Zed weighed the pros and cons of Shen's implicit offer to cuddle up to him. Pros: Shen was way more comfortable than the folding chairs or the floor, and way warmer. Plus, Shen was touch-starved as hell and would probably appreciate it. Cons: Zed really couldn't think of any. He was way past the stage of thinking that platonic cuddling somehow made him less of a man, and even if it did, dammit, he was tired and cold. Zed sighed and trudged over to Shen, curling up next to him and laying his head on his shoulder. 

"Still think you'd prefer the folding chairs?" Shen asked teasingly, wrapping an arm around Zed. He picked his pencil up again and continued working on something that Zed couldn't understand. It was a jumble of numbers and equations, along with notes in a strange combination of English and དབུས་. Zed knew that Shen usually was thinking in a couple different languages, having grown up speaking two concurrently and learning a third and fourth soon after, and his writing reflected that. And even though Zed spoke half of the languages in Shen's notes, he had no fucking idea what was happening on the page. 

"What class is this for?" 

"O-Chem." 

That made Zed groan, because it reminded him of the ninety-point lab report he was meant to be working on. Shen chuckled a bit and nudged Zed with his elbow. "Come on, it's not that bad. We're in the same unit, aren't we? I can explain this to you if you're not getting it." 

"Go ahead, it'll bore me to sleep," Zed grumbled. Shen just laughed again and held Zed a bit closer. With the warmth of Shen at his side and the white-noise like effect of his pencil scratching across the surface of the notebook paper, Zed finally felt relaxed enough to fall asleep. 

And, of course, right as he was about to doze off, Shen tapped his arm twice. 

Zed groaned, leaning further into Shen. "Fuck off, 'm sleeping," he mumbled, eyes still closed. 

"Let up me up for a second." 

"Nope. I'm comfortable here."   
  
"I'm bleeding, man. Let me up so I can grab some Kleenex." 

Zed made a disgruntled noise but complied, sitting up enough that Shen could stand up. He yawned and tipped his head back against the wall, waiting for Shen to return. 

And he did a minute later, holding a roll of paper towels in one hand and using the other to pinch a fistful of tissues over his nose. Already, Zed could see red soaking the tissue paper. Neither of them were particularly bothered by it- Shen had always been prone to nosebleeds. He sat back down next to Zed, roll of paper towels lying next to him, and let Zed lean into him again. 

This time, Zed was able to fall asleep. He woke up to the sound of the dressing room door opening, and slowly registered Khada walking in, looking frazzled and distinctly put-off. "These idiots can't dance for shit," he complained, pulling the elastic out of his hair and running a hand through it to tame it. "Irelia's been going over the same twenty-four beats for forty-five minutes now and they aren't getting it."

Zed muffled a yawn into his hand. "Not everyone was born with innate dance skills, Khada. And half of the chorus is freshmen. Cut them some slack." 

"I've cut them plenty," Khada muttered but relented, pulling his hair back into a tight, neat ponytail. Zed closed his eyes again, still feeling exhausted, but opened them again when Khada said, "Jesus, how much have you been bleeding?" 

"More than I would like to be," Shen replied. Zed glanced over and sure enough, there was a pile of bloodied paper towels next to Shen. He still had a couple pinched around his nose, and Zed could see blood staining his fingertips. He frowned and sat up so Shen could move, eyes still locked on the blood-soaked paper towels.

"You could have woken me up," Zed said as Shen used his newfound freedom to throw the blood-soaked paper towels away. "Did it stop at all? Or get any lighter?" 

"You looked way too relaxed for me to wake you up. And no, it hasn't." Shen folded the paper towels in his hand over, trying to find a dry patch, and blood immediately began running down his face. He sighed, burying his face in them again. "It's been this way for an hour now." 

Khada frowned. "Aren't you meant to go to a hospital if it hasn't stopped after, like, twenty minutes?" 

"Yeah, but this isn't too abnormal for me. I'm sure it'll stop soon." 

It didn't. Irelia eventually called it quits with the choreography and separated the chorus members who could actually dance, bringing them to the front of the stage, while those who couldn't would stand at the back and perform a simple box-step while they sang. Shen wasn't needed on stage while they ran Master of the House, so he stuck to the edges of the auditorium and watched along with everyone else who wasn't in the scene. Zed, despite Shen's protests, hovered and continually asked if he was alright. 

"Zed, it's a nosebleed. I'm not hemorrhaging to death. Relax," Shen had instructed, and Zed had tried his best. He couldn't help but feel worried, though, especially when rehearsal finally came to a close (half an hour later) and Shen was still bleeding. 

More than that, though, he looked pale and disoriented. That was motivation enough for Zed to all but drag Shen to his car, shoving him in the passenger seat and firmly declaring, "Alright, we're going to the hospital."

"Come on, this isn't necessary," Shen insisted. "Seriously, ER nurses are already overworked and I'm sure there are people who need the care more-"

"Holy fuck, Shen, please think of yourself for once," Zed all but pleaded as he got into the driver's seat. This was the downside of Shen's limitless magnanimity; he was so eager to place others' needs in front of his own that he sometimes neglected caring for himself. Shen sighed and tried a new angle. 

"This is overkill. You're gonna have me sit in a waiting room for three hours just for them to give me some gauze and send me home with a sixteen-hundred dollar fee," Shen complained, trying to buckle himself in with one hand. He managed after a moment and leaned back in his seat, looking as exhausted as Zed had felt earlier. 

Zed honestly couldn't say that Shen was wrong. What did hospitals do for endlessly bloody noses, anyway? Was there some sort of medication? A shot? Would they just tell Shen to keep his head between his knees and try not to swallow any blood? Did Shen have health insurance? Zed didn't know the answer to any of those questions, but they kept swirling around his head until Shen finally said, "dude, you're thinking so loudly that it's giving me a headache. Relax. I'm sure this isn't anything serious." 

"Yeah, no, definitely, this is just one of those regular two-hour long nosebleeds that totally healthy people get," Zed muttered. His knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel, and he found himself glancing over at Shen every couple of seconds. He didn't understand how his friend was so nonchalant about this. 

By some miracle, the emergency room waiting area was sparsely populated. The triage nurse predicted their wait to be around an hour (and graciously gave Shen a box of tissues, since blood was starting to pool in his palm from the soaked paper towels he was fruitlessly pinching over his nose). Zed had Shen sit down but found himself unable to do so. He was too anxious to keep still, much less sit silently in a chair. Shen didn't have the energy to tell him to stop pacing, it would seem. 

Only forty-five minutes later, Shen was called back into an examination room. For the next forty minutes, Zed paced the length of the hallway outside the waiting room, finding there were fewer people to stare judgmentally at him. 

When Shen came back out, he looked marginally better. He was no longer bleeding, although the skin around his nose was stained red from how long he had been. "What did the doctors say? Are you alright?" Zed asked immediately. 

"I'm fine. They gave me a nasal spray that stopped the bleeding, along with an uncomfortable amount of gauze, and then an IV." Shen reached into the pocket of his hoodie, pulling out a couple of papers. "And a prescription for aminocaproic acid."   
  
"Aminocaprowhat?"

Shen began walking towards the exit with Zed. "It's mean to prevent excessive bleeding. I have to take this while I wait for the results of my blood test. The doctor thinks I have a clotting disorder, so they need to do a platelet count and some other stuff."

Zed frowned as he got into the car, trying to recall where he had heard the phrase 'clotting disorder' before. "That's the thing where you can, like, bleed out from a papercut, right?" 

Shen shrugged. "Hemophilia is. But there are other clotting disorders as well." Once they were in the car, Shen rolled up his sleeves and examined his arms. "Apparently that's why I bruise easily, too."

Zed looked over and sure enough, there was a smattering of faint yellow-purple bruises scattered around Shen's arms, mostly around his wrists. There was a patch of gauze taped over his antecubital fossa from where the IV had been, and Zed had no doubt that would leave a killer bruise as well. "Do they hurt?"

"Not really, they just look ugly. That, and the nosebleeds, have always happened for me. I just assumed it was normal."

"Weird," Zed muttered, pulling out of the parking lot. Once they were on the road, he glanced over and said, "Email your professors and tell them you won't be coming in tomorrow." He continued speaking even as Shen protested, raising his voice a bit to be heard. "No, I don't give a shit what's due tomorrow. You were just bleeding from your face for two straight hours. O-Chem can fucking wait. You need to rest." 

Shen looked like he was going to put up a fight for a moment, but even he couldn't deny that the whole afternoon had been exhausting. He sighed and pulled out his phone, sending a quick email to his professors. 

They continued to drive in silence for a bit. Zed figured it had been a while since Shen had last eaten and said, "Hey, we're near a Panera. Do you want some soup or something?" He got no response, and glanced over. "Shen?"

To his absolute endearment, Shen had dozed off. Zed chuckled and pulled into the drive-thru anyway. He was starving. After ordering a sandwich and a soup that he was pretty sure was vegetarian and free of suspect spices (Shen had once explained the dietary restrictions of a Buddhist, but Zed hadn't retained much of it), they were back on the road. 

Once they were back at the apartment Shen shared with Akali and Lee Sin, Zed leaned over and nudged him awake. Shen made a sleepy noise and curled up further, and as adorable as it was, Zed wanted to get back to his own apartment so he could eat. "Wake up, shithead."

"You're such a jerk," Shen mumbled, slowly straightening up and rubbing at his eyes. "Seriously. I just got out of the hospital, and this is the abuse I get?"

"Yeah, and who took you to the hospital? If you had your way with it, you'd probably be passed out in a practice room somewhere, bleeding all over the floor," Zed teased, reaching over to ruffle Shen's hair. He would normally go for a punch to the arm, but he felt guilty hitting someone, even jokingly, who had just gotten discharged from a hospital. Plus, it would probably leave a bruise.

Shen swatted Zed's hand away, stymieing a yawn into his elbow. "Yeah, I guess so," he murmured. "Thank you for taking me, by the way. You really didn't have to stay the whole time." 

Zed just rolled his eyes and handed Shen the cup of soup, which was still warm. "It's tomato. You can have tomatoes, right?" 

Shen opened the cup and sniffed it experimentally. "Tomatoes, yes, but not garlic." He capped the soup with an apologetic smile. 

"Fuck, garlic," Zed groaned. He knew there had been something he had forgotten. 

"Don't worry, I'm sure Akali or Lee will eat it. And I appreciate the effort nonetheless." Shen smiled warmly at Zed, and he couldn't help but return it. Shen's smile was both disarming and contagious, and although he would never admit it, just seeing Shen's smile raised Zed's spirits. "Seriously, thank you for everything."

"Of course, man. I wasn't about to let you bleed to death during rehearsal." Zed fiddled with the bluetooth on his radio, trying to get it to hook up to his phone. "Go get some rest. If I see you in class tomorrow, I'm gonna kick your ass, hospital or no hospital."

Shen chuckled, sliding out of the car with the cup of soup. "Duly noted. I'll see you for rehearsal on Wednesday, then." With that, he disappeared into the apartment complex. 

Zed finally got his phone to connect and pulled back out onto the road. He got home quick enough and realized how tense he still was, even though Shen was safe at home. They had, collectively, dealt with plenty of nosebleeds, but this one had been particularly terrifying. What if it had been worse? What if Shen had refused to go to the hospital with Zed? What would his blood test reveal? 

Zed's thoughts remained restless until he was in bed, under the covers and scrolling through twitter. A notification popped up and he grinned when he saw who it was from. 

[Private Chat: deathmark, twilightassault]

twilightassault: I know you're still up Zed

twilightassault: Go to sleep, you need to rest as well! 

Well, if Shen was feeling healthy enough to hound Zed about getting enough sleep, then all was normal. Zed locked his phone and plugged it in, then rolled back onto his side and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, fatigue had caught up with him and dragged him under. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [wheeze]
> 
> okay okay SO 
> 
> I've got some heavy stuff planned for the next few chapters of [cnc] and [sd?], exploring both the du Couteau and Alter families. Talon will be introduced. We're gonna learn about Zed's family. Les Mis is gonna be a thing. The timelines of these two fics with FINALLY synch up. all will be right with the world. But like i mentioned, i'm now a college student (again) so updating is gonna be moving slowly. i wrote this like two months ago but I've just kept it for a time where i needed smth to post while i worked on other stuff,,,so here it is. i am HOPING to get the next chapter of cnc up within, like, a week and a half. I've gotten used to posting every 4-7 days but like,,,this is gonna be a HEFTY chapter so it might take some time. 
> 
> also i wrote a follow-up for this one and it has akali and more medical mumbo jumbo so like. if u want that,,,pls comment,,,otherwise it will remain forever in my drafts. or i'll post it if i'm taking too long with everything else. and SPEAKING of comments, if u want to see anything explored or elaborated upon, drop a fuckin comment! i'm running out of ideas and simultaneously have too many! also comment anyways bc it makes me happy ty gn


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aminocaproic acid is used to treat certain bleeding disorders. It can also cause horrific nausea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more medical mumbo jumbo, more making shen sad/sick/injured in some capacity and giving him friends to help him Cope. somehow, this turned into a tiny reflection about loneliness and having friends. idk how it got their either. 
> 
> content warning!! there's quite a lot of puking in this chapter! i'm emetophobic (writing stuff like this is actually an exposure exercise for me) so By Default nothing is portrayed with great detail, but proceed with caution if and when necessary.

After a week and a few phone calls, Shen found himself visiting a hematologist for the first time. It wasn't too unlike visiting a normal doctor (although the guy himself was a bit odd, and had a seemingly endless amount of blood-related puns to share). The result of Shen's blood test had revealed a low platelet count, and upon further inspection, a low VWF count. The diagnosis: von Willebrand disease. 

The hematologist explained that it was a fairly common bleeding disorder, not unlike hemophilia, and was the culprit of Shen's easy bruising and recurring nosebleeds. They discussed medication for a bit, and ended up agreeing that Shen should keep taking aminocaproic acid, sold as Amicar, for the time being. 

It worked well enough when it was prescribed at the ER, so the hematologist saw no reason to change it. He told Shen about the dosing, interactions, and side effects, then sent him on his way. 

And for about a week, everything was fine. The bruises on Shen's arms and legs healed up, and he no longer noticed specks of blood in the sink when he brushed his teeth. The problem arose when the medication actually started to build up in his system.

The hematologist had explained that nausea was a potential issue, but fuck, Shen hadn't anticipated it being this bad.

After a few days of steadily growing nausea, Shen woke up in a cold sweat one night and barely made it to the bathroom before beginning to retch. He was hardly awake as he dropped to his knees and bent over the toilet, not aware of anything besides a searing, churning pain that consumed everything from his diaphragm to his hips. After a few moments, the vomiting abated, and Shen became a bit more lucid. 

He could hear footsteps coming down the hall and leaned forward to peek through the partially-ajar door. It was Akali, wearing her pyjamas and a concerned expression. 

Shen spat into the toilet and cleared his throat before attempting to speak. His voice still came out hoarse from the exertion of vomiting. "Sorry if I woke you up." 

"Don't be," Akali murmured, stepping into the bathroom and leaning over to lay a hand on Shen's forehead. Her voice was uncharacteristically tender, as was the gesture, and Shen found himself frozen in place as she felt for a fever. "You don't feel warm. Have you been coughing at all?" 

"No," Shen replied, sitting back on his heels and unconsciously wrapping his arms around his torso. "I think it's a side... _fuck_..." Shen trailed off with a harsh swallow and leaned over the toilet again. 

Akali took a step closer to him and held Shen's hair back while he vomited. It took much longer for the vomiting to abate that time, and Shen was sweating and shivering by the end of it. Akali dropped her hands to his shoulders and guided him to sit against the wall while she flushed the toilet. 

"Poor thing," Akali murmured, seemingly to herself, as Shen curled up tightly, aching head resting on his knees. She sighed and sat down next to him, one hand coming up to rub slow circles between his shoulder blades. "Is this from the bleeding medicine?" 

Shen just hummed in affirmation; he didn't want to risk opening his mouth to answer. 

Akali nodded and squeezed his shoulder before standing up again. "Alright. Stay here for a second, I'm gonna get some water and medicine." 

Shen doubted he would be able to move if he wanted to, so he nodded in response and promptly regretted it when the room swayed dizzyingly around him. Shen pressed his forehead into his knees, exhaling slowly through his nose and trying to steady himself somehow.

The vertigo sensation reminded Shen of the first time he took an American taxi. He had somehow been able to tolerate the thirteen-hour flight from Tibet, but fourteen-year-old Shen had never actually been in a car at that point in his life, much less one that was driving through city traffic. The maladjustment must have shown on his face, because the driver had taken one look at him through the rearview mirror and wordlessly handed Shen a plastic bag from the center console.

Shen had adapted and mostly gotten over his motion sickness since then. He couldn't say the same for lysine derivatives, apparently.

He could hear voices from down the hall, pulling him back into the present moment. With a pang of guilt, Shen realized he must have woken Lee Sin as well. He glanced down the hall to confirm his suspicion, but just moving his head was enough for the dizziness to fully give way to nausea. 

When Akali returned, Shen was doubled over the toilet again. There wasn't much to come up besides watery bile and saliva, but dry heaves continued to wrack Shen for a good minute before finally relenting. Akali, bless her soul, patiently held his hair away from his face and helped him sit back when it was finally over. 

Akali had set a bottle of water on the sink counter when she came back, and she handed that to Shen after confirming his hands were steady enough to hold it. Shen rinsed his mouth out before taking a couple careful sips. His throat stung with each swallow, but he knew dehydration would only make things worse. He glanced over at the counter, expecting to see medication, and instead saw a whole unshaven ginger root. 

Shen made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a cough, gesturing to the root in a silent question. Akali followed the direction of his hand and flushed. She picked the ginger up and turned it over in her hand. "Hey, I've heard ginger is good for an upset stomach. Maybe you should...I dunno, smell it? Take a fuckin' bite out of it?" She chuckled at the ridiculousness of her own suggestion, but it seemed more nervous than humorous. 

Akali set the root back on the counter and sat down next to Shen. "Sorry, I'm not great at the whole caretaking thing." 

He had picked up on as much- he could tell that Akali wanted to help him, but didn't know how. "It's alright. You-" his voice clicked out halfway through, and Shen had to clear his throat a couple times before trying again. "You should go back to bed. It's late." 

Akali turned and looked at Shen like he had suggested she convert to Buddhism. "And just leave you here to suffer?" She asked, sounding incredulous. 

"I...yes?" Shen responded weakly, voice cracking. He had to bury his face in his elbow to muffle a fit of coughing as his throat protested the exertion of speaking. It left him feeling even more lightheaded than before, vision fuzzy as he attempted to catch his breath. 

"Right," Akali muttered, shaking her head as she watched the whole thing unfold. "You look like you're about to pass out, and I'd rather be awake to call an ambulance in case that happens. Sorry, but you're stuck with me." 

There was no arguing with Akali once she had set her mind to something. And honestly...Shen didn't mind the company. He felt absolutely miserable, but it sucked a bit less now that he wasn't alone. Besides that, he was touched that Akali was even offering to stay with him, even though it was sometime in the early morning and the bathroom smelled like puke. 

"Thank you," Shen murmured, eyes locked on the tile floor. His cheeks were flushed with dual embarrassment and endearment, but Akali didn't seem to notice (or if she did, she was too polite to comment on it).

Shen didn't recall falling asleep, but he woke up feeling disoriented and on the brink of vomiting again. He quickly pushed himself forward and doubled over the toilet, dry heaving several times before finally choking up a bitter mix of bile and stomach acid. Someone was holding his hair back and saying something he couldn't quite hear over the sound of blood rushing in his ears, and he began to remember dozing off against Akali. 

He wished he was still asleep. Unconsciousness was vastly preferable to whatever the fuck the medication was doing to Shen's body. 

Shen vaguely remembered a biology lesson in which he learned that the stomach had a thick coating of mucus to prevent the acid from eating through the organ and surrounding structures. He imagined that lacking that barrier would feel somewhat like how he felt in that moment- overcome by a burning, gnawing pain. His headache had gotten worse as well, morphing from a dull ache to a vicious throb that pulsed in time with his heartbeat. 

"Shen?" 

It was Akali's voice, sounding both concerned and impatient- like she was waiting for the answer of an important question. She sighed and put her hands on Shen's shoulders, once again guiding him to sit back against the bathroom wall so she could flush the evidence of his sickness away. After a moment of silence in which Shen curled up tightly and pressed a hand over his eyes to block out the too-bright light of the bathroom, she said, "I think we should go to the hospital. You weren't able to keep water down for even an hour." 

Shen heard the click of a light switch and cautiously peeked through his fingers, letting out a sigh when darkness enveloped his field of sight. "It might go away on its own," He rasped, voice barely louder than a whisper. 

" _Or_ you might just get more and more dehydrated, and that's asking for trouble," Akali argued in an equally hushed tone, seemingly aware of Shen's headache. 

She was right. Shen knew how quickly vomiting lead to dehydration, and how dehydration led to more vomiting. It was cyclical and most people weren't aware of how dehydrated they were until damage was already being done to the body. Even so, he dreaded the idea of going to a hospital. The noise, the motion, even _thinking_ about it made Shen choke back a gag. It would be too much. 

So he aimed for a compromise. "Give it until morning. I'll try to drink some more and if it doesn't stay down, we can go to a hospital." 

Akali was silent as she contemplated Shen's proposal. Finally, she sighed and said, "I think that's a stupid fucking idea, but I'll trust your discretion. If you're still puking when the sun comes up, I'm either taking you to a hospital or sticking an IV in you myself- and you do _not_ want that to happen. Got it?"

Shen made a noise vaguely resembling agreement. Akali clapped him on the shoulder before standing up, saying that she was gonna get some medicine. 

A few moments after Akali left the bathroom, Shen managed to haul himself onto his feet and fumble around in the dark before locating the bottle of mouthwash sitting on the counter. Ideally, he would have liked to take a full shower and brush his teeth, but he barely had the energy to stay upright as he rinsed his mouth out. 

Akali came back just as Shen settled back down and unceremoniously dropped a blanket onto his lap. "Here, I found some antiemetics. I don't really know how old they are, but it's better than nothing." Using the flashlight on her phone, Akali grabbed the water bottle she had gotten earlier and passed it to Shen, along with the medication. "Try to drink a bit as well, alright?" 

Shen obediently swallowed the pill and a few sips of water, then wrapped the blanket around himself. He couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed that Akali was looking after him like this. He was a grown man, after all. He could look after himself, and he always had in the past, although that was more out of necessity than innate independence. Being sick while at the monastery, with everyone already holding him at arm's length... it was a special, horrible kind of isolation. There was certainly nobody grabbing medicine for Shen or holding his hair back while he puked- hell, half of the novices wouldn't even make _eye contact_ with him. 

Shen was still getting used to the idea that there were people who cared about him and wanted to help him, and still mourning the people who used to fill those roles. Mourning what he had left behind and what had since filled the empty spaces in his life. 

Akali had sat down next to Shen and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. They had lived together for a little less than a year- Shen had spent a few months working at a library to build up some savings before applying to college- but their bond was strong. Akali could usually tell when Shen was getting lost in his own head, and knew how to pull him back. And Shen knew how to do the same for her. 

"Try to get some sleep if you can," Akali murmured. 

Shen wanted to convince Akali to go back to her own bed, but her presence was too comforting to willingly give up, despite his best intentions. And with the antiemetic medicine slowly working its magic, the debilitating nausea and dizziness was being replaced by fatigue. Shen found himself leaning into Akali's side, head resting on her shoulder. Akali kept her arm wrapped snugly around his shoulders- a gentle and constant reminder that Shen wasn't alone. 

And that was enough to get him through the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am such trash for hurt/comfort caretaking stuff. 
> 
> SO i don't have a ton to say about this chapter, but i do want to give a massive thanks to everyone who's been commenting/asking for more! feedback truly helps motivate me to write, and i oft find myself rereading comments when i'm feeling stuck or unmotivated. if i could give you guys kudoses, i would. 
> 
> as for the chapter itself, it somehow devolved into a mini-exploration about loneliness. as i write things involving shen, i'm constantly seeing small ways in which elements of his past have impacted him/are currently impacting him, like his unfamiliarity with the idea of someone wanting to look after him. this is kinda Standard Good Friend procedure but it's unusual to shen bc for the past four years of his life, he's been treated like a bit of a pariah. chapters like this are meant to explore the impacts of certain traumas without relying on narration/flashback and instead allowing the audience to see real-time, real-world manifestations of past events/coping mechanisms/etc. it's all abt character development babes. 
> 
> i'm kinda stuck with where i am with the next chapter of cnc but Hopefully it'll be out in the next few days. aaaand since it's been a while since i did one of these, i'm gonna close the note out with a list of potential upcoming chapters for this lil book of outtakes. if there's anything you want to see added to this list, please let me know :)))) thank you sm for reading, and if u liked this chapter, leave a comment!! leave one if u hated it too that's fine
> 
> upcoming chapters, maybe, in no particular order:  
> 1\. exploration of the alter family (currently writing, two parts)  
> 2\. katarina character exploration  
> 3\. 3+1 zed being a mother hen  
> 4\. LUNAR NEW YEAR BABES (this one might just be added to [cnc] as a background event)  
> 5\. 3/5+1 touchstarved shen  
> 6\. karaoke night


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A peek into Jhin's artistic process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a hot minute hasn't it
> 
> this chapter was both fun and challenging to write!! i meant for it to be a short, lighthearted bit about jhin drawing people (really just an opportunity for me, a very visually oriented person, to talk about faces) but it got much more complex than that. also shen is here because...that's just my brand at this point. "but wait, notkai, i thought you were writing a christmas-centered exploration of the alter family!" i am. but it's slow-going, and i'll tell you why in the closing notes. stick around for those. 
> 
> please enjoy this chapter, it's kinda sad and super gay!!

Jhin had always loved drawing faces. He had taught himself how to draw with portraits- he drew friends, family, celebrities, random models on Pinterest, anyone at all. Faces required attention to detail if they were to be recreated with any degree of realism; drawing them taught Jhin to look closely at his subject and make every single mark with intention. It helped him master the basic elements of composition, as well as some of the more complex ones. 

After several years of teaching himself to draw, followed by classes in high school and college, Jhin was satisfied with his ability to draw faces. They were his specialty, as a matter of fact. His portraiture work had won him scholarships and art competitions before. Even so, he persisted with honing his skill. There was always more to learn, always another face to be captured. 

He always preferred to draw from life when possible. Thankfully, Jhin's friends were usually willing to sit for a quick sketch, which Jhin would build off of using a picture so they didn't have to sit for hours. Occasionally he would capture one of them in the process of doing something that kept them in the same spot for a while- usually homework- and he would be able to draw a more refined portrait without needing a photograph. He typically didn't ask people to sit for full portraits, since it was a pain in the ass to sit still for three continuous hours. Jhin understood that. 

So he considered it a great opportunity when he happened upon Shen in the campus' library. It was a popular study spot, and Jhin had planned on finishing a gallery paper that was due the next day. But the second he saw Shen, his fingers began itching for a pencil. The lighting was perfect, and Shen looked completely engrossed by the book in his hands. 

He glanced up as Jhin approached the tiny alcove he was settled in, a smile appearing on his face. Shen and Jhin had slowly been communicating more and spending more time together. The same could be said for Zed, but it was different for Jhin. Shen had been his first love, and vice versa. It added a layer of complexity to their relationship. 

"Hey," Shen greeted him softly, shifting to face Jhin. 

Jhin returned the greeting and took a seat adjacent to Shen. They were next to a window, and the winter sun was casting a weak Rembrandt triangle across Shen's left cheek. The light brought out the red highlights of his hair and made the faint smattering of freckles across his cheeks a bit more obvious. Jhin was almost too lost in his observations to reply. 

"Is it alright if I draw you?" Jhin asked once they had exchanged pleasantries, already pulling out one of the two sketchbooks he always kept on him. "Do you have class soon or anything?" 

Shen shook his head. "No, I was planning on staying here for a while. And I'm always fine with you drawing me." 

The comment brought back memories of Jhin sketching Shen when they were younger- stolen snapshots of Shen studying, meditating, getting his ass kicked by Zed in various video games, sleeping, or really doing anything where his face was in one place for long enough. Jhin's sketchbook pages were consumed by him, just as Jhin himself had been. He was curious to see what had changed- not just with his own skill level, but with Shen. 

Shen settled back into the position he had been in when Jhin arrived, continuing to read and occasionally writing something down in the margins of the book. Jhin pulled out his bag and got to work. 

Jhin always started with the nose. The nose was the feature around which all other features were centered, and he could use it as a reference point for facial proportions. The bridge of Shen's nose sat flat on his face, and curved gently at the tip. There wasn't a considerable amount of space between his nose and upper lip, which jutted out at the cupid's bow. The curve of his chin was gentle and led into an opposingly sharp jawline, along which Jhin noticed more freckles. 

Once Jhin had the basic shapes of the lower half of Shen's face, he went upwards and began working on the eyes. Although the nose was the anchor of the face, Jhin thought the eyes were the most important feature. They were the most complex, and had the most variety. He loved drawing eyes, either independently or as part of portraits. 

Shen's eyes were such a pale blue that they got washed out in strong head-on lighting, giving him a ghostly appearance. The irises required minimal shading. Jhin paid close attention and made sure every single stroke was in place, even just for the underlying sketch. Shen didn't have a visible eyelid, especially not with his gaze partially lowered as he read. The angle made the shadows beneath his eyes a bit more prominent. His eyebrows were dark compared to his hair color, especially as the light was hitting it, and had a gentle arch to them. 

Once the features were in place, Jhin sketched out the boundaries of the face- wide cheekbones, jaw squared at the joint. His hair had been pulled up into a ponytail, but a few strands had escaped and laid errantly across his temples. He, much like Zed, wore his hair in an undercut. It reminded Jhin of the way Shen's hair had been when he first moved to America- buzzed nearly to the scalp, maybe a fourth of an inch long at most, as was standard for monks. Jhin's hands tingled as he remembered cuddling with Shen when they were younger, running his fingertips over Shen's scalp in an attempt to distract him from his homework. 

Once the preliminary sketch was done, Jhin swapped out the cheap mechanical pencil he had been using and selected a 2B one to begin adding value, staring with the left ear- Jhin was righthanded, so he always worked from the leftmost point of his portraits to the rightmost point to avoid smudging the pencil. 

This was Jhin's favorite part of drawing faces. The recreation of light, shadow, form, and edge that could bring a portrait to life and make it look like a photograph. Jhin took great pleasure in recreating every small detail that he could. This part of the portrait held a particular familiarity with Shen, given how often Jhin used to draw him. As he added shading, Jhin found himself lost in thought and examination over the ways that Shen had changed. 

The most obvious change was age. When they had met in high school, Shen's jaw still had a youthful roundness to it. The shadows under his eyes weren't as prominent. Back then, his eyes were constantly bright with mirth- despite the language and cultural barriers, Shen had a witty sense of humor and always made people laugh. Now, Shen seemed more resigned. More somber. 

It wasn't hard to guess why, and Jhin couldn't really blame him. 

Jhin supposed he had changed as well, in more positive ways. College had offered him an opportunity to express himself and care less what people thought of him. He'd always preferred a more androgynous look in his clothing and hairstyle- something that had gotten him mocked relentlessly in high school. Jhin had tried his hardest to ignore the people poking fun at him, but it became impossible once the harassment turned physical. 

It was a complete one-eighty in college. Not only were people more mature and more accepting of people who didn't look like them, they also gave significantly fewer fucks. Jhin had seen people going to class in their pyjamas enough times to know that nobody cared if he wore a bit of eyeliner. 

One of the reasons Jhin and Shen had bonded so well in high school was because Shen was one of the few people who already had that maturity and acceptance of other people. He had never judged Jhin for his appearance- rather, he was always quick to compliment it. Even on the days when Jhin hated everything about himself, Shen had been there with gentle caresses and even gentler words to lift his mood and self-esteem. 

Those moments were always stained with a bit of irony, though, since Shen himself was one of the reasons that Jhin had such a low opinion of himself. One of the conditions of their relationship was that it would remain a secret. They told nobody they were dating, save for Zed, who was close enough to both of them that he would've found out anyway. Shen would refuse to touch Jhin if there was a possibility that someone, _anyone,_ could see. Had his justification not been so reasonable, Jhin would've thought him paranoid. But no matter how good his reason, Shen's behavior and the charade he required Jhin to put on was worse than any high school homophobic bully. There were days when Jhin felt worthless, absolutely convinced that the _real_ reason Shen refused to hold his hand in public was because Shen was _ashamed_ to be with someone like Jhin, but was too polite to confess it. Their relationship kept Jhin's self worth in a limbo, and although he had loved Shen, dating him was one of the most painful performances Jhin had ever put on.

Jhin knew Shen regretted the way he had treated him, and he would have never locked Jhin in the metaphorical closet if not for fear of retribution and abandonment. Perhaps Shen _had_ been paranoid, but Jhin wasn't sure he would have acted differently if he had been in Shen's position.

Jhin's parents always accepted who he was, who he wanted to be with, and how he wanted to look. They were a source of comfort and acceptance, and Jhin had no doubt that he wouldn't have made it through high school without them. Shen never had that connection with his own family, although Jhin didn't know why at first. 

The first time Jhin met Kusho took place a few months after Shen had moved to America. They had been studying for the afternoon, and Jhin had noticed right away that Shen and Kusho didn't look much alike. Their red hair was the only similarity, and Kusho's was greyed with age. But Kusho's skin was lighter, and his face was sharper and more narrow. Jhin had jokingly brought their differences up later that evening, in a moment of privacy, in an attempt to sate his curiosity since he knew very little about Shen's family. He was expecting Shen to say that he took after his mother, but had instead learned that Shen was unofficially adopted after being orphaned at birth. It was a sobering piece of knowledge that occupied Jhin's thoughts for several days after he acquired it. 

After learning that Shen knew nothing about his biological parents- just his mother's surname- his paranoia about his adopted father learning that his son was gay made more sense. He had already been abandoned by his biological father and lost his mother. To lose his adoptive father as well through alienation...Jhin could only speculate how that would destroy a person. 

And that speculation had nearly torn Jhin apart after Shen was outed. He would lay awake at night, sick to his stomach with anger, fear, and sadness for which he had no outlet or closure. He would worry endlessly about how Shen was holding up. He got into terrible fights with Zed that would usually end with them not speaking to each other for days, only to be brought back together by their mutual regret and worry. Their senior year of high school had been the worst of Jhin's life thus far because of how tormented his mind and soul were over what had happened. 

"Are you alright?" 

Jhin was torn from his thoughts by Shen's gentle voice, weighed down with concern. He glanced up from his sketchbook to find pale blue eyes locked on him. 

"You looked kind of...distressed."

Although Jhin's poker face was nearly as strong as Shen's, it was something he had to maintain consciously. Otherwise, he could be read like an open book . Jhin sighed, setting his pencil down to stretch his wrist out a bit. He wondered if this was an inappropriate topic to bring up. He was curious, and he wanted closure- perhaps some selfish reassurance that he hadn't ruined Shen's life. But their friendship was still in a delicate mending phase, and Jhin was loathe to do anything that might upset the balance it hung in. 

Shen was still waiting for an answer, though, and Jhin knew he wouldn't be able to get away with lying to him. After taking a moment to consider his phrasing, Jhin said, "I was thinking about us. When we were younger." 

It wasn't the answer Shen was expecting, Jhin supposed. He was silent for a couple seconds before asking, "Good or bad thoughts?"

Jhin shrugged, cracking his knuckles. "Both. I'm just...I don't know- reminiscing, I guess?" He picked up the pencil again, gaze flickering between Shen and his portrait to reorient himself. "And thinking of the things I wish I had said or asked." 

The ball was now in Shen's court. Jhin was offering him an out- he could just nod and go back to reading, and Jhin would go back to drawing. There would be no need for an awkward, emotional conversation if they weren't both ready for it, or didn't feel it necessary. Jhin personally felt that it was. Despite the confrontation he'd had with Shen and Zed a couple months ago, finally apologizing and absolving himself of his past wrongdoings, Jhin still felt burdened by the way their relationship had ended. There was more to be said, and more healing to be done. 

It was merely a question of when and where. 

Shen didn't take the out. Instead, he said, "You can ask them now, if you want. I'll answer the best I can." 

Jhin's hand froze in place for a moment. He swallowed hard and forced the limb to resume moving again, adding gentle shadows to Shen's temple. Shen waited patiently as Jhin rearranged the swirling words and questions in his mind. Finally, he asked, "Did you ever hate Zed and I?" 

Shen didn't ask for more context or clarification. He knew exactly what Jhin was referencing. He had closed the book and was idly tapping his pen against the cover of it as he pondered the question. "Yes and no," He answered after a moment. "I never hated you. More than anything, I missed you. I was hurt and angry but above anything else, I felt alone." His voice dropped a bit, becoming softer and more melancholy. "Y'know, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about us. Reminiscing, like you said. Trying to focus on the good memories." 

"Did it work?" 

He shrugged. "Sometimes. I used to think about the dates we went on and stuff like that. It made me smile. As for Zed, I definitely did hate him for a while. I felt that he had betrayed me. I had done my best to help him accept himself and be there for him when his family wasn't, and he turned that around and severed the only familial connection I had left." Shen drew in a breath like he wanted to keep speaking, but it came back out as an awkward chuckle. "Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling. I didn't mean to get all dramatic there." 

"It's alright," Jhin said immediately. He knew Shen sort of, well, sucked at talking about his emotions, and that small reassurances like this wouldn't go unappreciated. Shen was good at mediating conflicts and helping other people process their feelings- he thrived in situations where he could act as a neutral third party. But his own emotions were an entirely different clown fiesta. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know." 

With the shading of the left part of the face done, Jhin moved onto the left eye. He paid special attention to the downward curve of Shen's eyelashes and the highlight at the innermost corner of his eye. 

"Was that your only question?" 

Jhin shook his head, glancing between Shen and the portrait to make sure he'd gotten the arch of his brow correct. "No. After...after you moved back to Tibet, I would wonder about how you were doing- mentally and emotionally, I mean. I...Kusho clearly wasn't happy to learn you were gay, and I just..." Jhin sighed, wishing it was easier for him to verbalize his thoughts. "I worried about you." 

"Saying that he wasn't happy was an understatement," Shen replied, voice dropping to a murmur. Jhin realized he was approaching a line that separated what Shen was and wasn't willing to talk about yet. 

"You don't have to go into detail if you don't want to," Jhin cut in. Shen hesitated for a moment, an uneasy look on his face, before nodding. They both seemed to understand that this conversation would have to continue at a later time. 

They settled back into a silence that was awkward at first, but slowly became more comfortable as they resumed their individual activities. Jhin found himself looking at Shen more than he did at the actual portrait, mostly because it was endearing to watch Shen read. Although he was fluent in English, there were still unfamiliar words that tripped him up sometimes. Jhin could tell whenever he encountered one of those because he would mouth it to himself a couple times, allowing the syllables to settle properly on his lips. This brought back more fond memories of their time as high school sweethearts- a time when Shen wasn't as confident with English, which afforded Jhin the opportunity to teach him new words and phrases. He distinctly remembered taking Shen out to a local park one summer afternoon and teaching him the name of every wildflower that Jhin could identify. A small, subconscious smile formed on Jhin's face as he replayed the memory in his head. 

After another hour, Jhin's hand was starting to cramp, and he was sure that Shen was getting a bit restless as well. The portrait was nearly complete- Jhin just had to refine a few of the small details, and darken some of the shadows beneath Shen's jaw. Then it would be complete, and would join his ever-expanding collection of portraits. 

As he tucked his materials back into his pencil bag, Jhin noticed Shen examining the portrait. He glanced up at Jhin with a shy smile. "Your skills have only improved since the last time I saw you," he said.

"It certainly helps to have a subject as entrancing as yourself," Jhin replied, closing the sketchbook and tucking it into his bag. The compliment left his mouth without Jhin even thinking about it. When he turned back to face Shen, a faint blush was coloring his freckled cheeks. Jhin didn't think much of it, knowing how shy Shen could be at times, and said, "We should spend more time together outside of rehearsal. I enjoyed this." 

"As did I." Shen was heading out as well, so the two of them left the library together. They split paths soon enough, with Jhin heading back to his dorm and Shen going to the fine art building to discuss something musical-related with Rakan. Jhin was lost in thought as he walked, replaying the things Shen had told him. The information filled in a couple blanks in the timeline of their relationship, from their first meeting up until now. There were still things left unknown to Jhin, questions and closure he wanted to pursue. But he knew that would have to wait for another day.

The gallery paper he'd meant to finish was still untouched when he returned to his dorm, but Jhin didn't mind. He took a few minutes to stretch his hand out before taking his sketchbook out again, immediately flipping to the portrait of Shen and adding the finishing touches. This portrait, just like any other, had its own lessons for Jhin about capturing the human form. But there was also knowledge about Shen, captured with each stroke of the pencil or brush of the eraser. His words and gaze were woven into the graphite, settled into each nook of the paper tooth. 

It didn't take much time for the portrait to reach a stage of completion that Jhin was satisfied with, but he could have spent hours working it to absolute perfection. Much of that time, he knew, would be spent in his own head, replaying the way the winter sun settled onto Shen's skin and the way his lips moved around an unfamiliar word.

He wondered if Shen knew he did that when he read, or if it was subconscious. He wondered if Shen could still name the wildflowers that Jhin had shown him years ago. He wondered if Shen still felt betrayed and alone. 

Curious as he was, Jhin was patient enough to wait until Shen was willing to discuss such things with him. He took cue from his art, allowing the piece to tell him when it was finished, or when it needed adjustment. His relationship with Shen, in all its iterations, was no different. Be it a simple portrait or a complex waltz, Jhin would be patient and allow Shen to guide him through the composition, until it was finally complete. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^) 
> 
> SO regarding the shit i had outlined for both this and cnc. im gonna be frank and admit that my personal life has sort of gone wild. long story short, it's involved some legal drama. it's been time-consuming and exhausting, and as a result, i've felt SUPER burned out with my art (including writing). i really don't know when the next chapter of cnc or sd will be up since writing is still difficult right now :// im doing my best tho. 
> 
> about the chapter: i liked how it came out and i hope you do as well! it's all about that character exploration babes. i dont have a ton to say about it buuut i will say that the things that transpire here WILL have canonical impact for cnc. ill leave u to figure out what that might be. if u enjoyed jhin being a sad art gay, please drop a kudos or a comment down below!! engagement fuels me and brings me Legitimate joy! ty for taking the time to read this gn<3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zed is a bit more of a mother hen than he realizes. 
> 
> (3+1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is MY fictional world, i decide that coronavirus doesn't exist and writing sickfics is still a perfectly acceptable way of having soft hurt/comfort and friendly caretaking. also welcome to another episode of kai dropping off the face of the earth for several months only to return with a 7k word oneshot. i swear to god i haven't forgotten this series i'm just super busy and tired all the time lol anyway enjoy.

**1\. Jhin**

Zed glanced around the rehearsal room, mentally tallying up the participants. Rehearsal didn't officially start for another couple minutes, so they were still missing a few people. Mostly chorus members, although Rakan had texted Zed to let him know that he'd be running late. That was fine. Their other director, Kai'sa, was there, and all of the lead members were there. 

Except for Jhin.

That was odd, because Kayn was there and chatting with the girl cast to play Cosette. Normally Jhin and Kayn came at the same time, and Kayn would stick to Jhin's side like a child following their mother in a store. There was always the possibility that Jhin had something else to take care of, and was just running a bit behind...but Jhin was always early. Four minutes early, to be exact. Always. 

Zed tried not to pay any mind to it as he paged through his notes for that day's rehearsal. They had made good progress with the first act- _Look Down_ was solid from a choral perspective, and blocking would soon begin. Shen had memorized most of his solo and duet pieces up to that point, so there was little need to work on those, especially during a group rehearsal. It would seem that _At the End of the Day_ was their next milestone. With that in mind, Zed set his notes down and glanced at his phone. Time to start. 

Kai'sa played a few chords on the room's grand piano, which usually prompted everyone to settle down- but it was a Friday and everyone was full of restless pre-weekend energy, so some of the chattering continued. Zed whistled sharply, and that was able to draw everyone's attention. "Alright, quiet down. I know you're all eager to get out of here, so I'll let you out early if we make decent progress today. We're gonna start with _At the End of the Day._ Open your scripts to page thirty-three, measure- oh, Khada, you're here." 

Jhin, who had just entered the rehearsal room, looked at Zed with an expression like deer in headlights. "Sorry," He said, a bit breathlessly. Zed just shrugged and waved him off, continuing to speak as Jhin took his place. As he continued outlining the itinerary for the day's rehearsal, Zed noticed Shen nudging Jhin and whispering something to him, and Jhin just shaking his head and muttering something back. 

Weird. 

Zed glanced back at Kai'sa and gestured for her to start warmups- simple vocal exercises, mostly major scales. As they sang through the scales, Zed kept a careful ear out for anyone obviously out of tune or simply singing the wrong notes. Thankfully, their group had a fair amount of experience as most of the auditions had come from various extracurricular choirs, instead of their usual pool of freshman theatre minors. Still, Zed could hear something off. He glanced around a few more times, and his eyes kept returning to Khada. 

The first thing Zed noticed was that he kept shifting his weight from foot to foot, and he was pressing on his knuckles as if to crack them. The more Zed focused in on Jhin's voice alone, the more he could hear the disturbance- Jhin's voice was wavering. _That_ was exceedingly odd. Jhin's voice never wavered. He knew this show like the back of his hand, and he'd been singing for longer than Zed had. Between confidence and experience, Zed hadn't ever heard even the faintest tremor in Jhin's voice while he was singing. 

And then the realization hit Zed, mostly because of the nervous expression on Jhin's face and the way his eyes kept darting about the room. All the signs suddenly pointed in one clear direction. Jhin was having a panic attack. 

Zed was no stranger to Jhin's panic attacks. Having known him for several years, including the worst year of his life, Zed had learned to recognize the particular tells of Jhin's panic attacks, despite how good he was at suppressing them. It must have felt torturous, having to stand in a crowded room of people and sing when he felt like he couldn't breathe in the first place, Zed hypothesized. He had to get Jhin out of there, if only for a couple minutes. 

Once they reached the end of the scales, Zed instructed everyone to open their scripts to the opening measure of _At the End of the Day_. And then he locked eyes with Jhin and jerked his head in the direction of the door. 

Jhin got the message. He set his script down and quietly exited the room. Zed turned to Kai'sa. In a low voice, he said, "I need a couple minutes. Can you keep them busy?" 

Kai'sa smiled, nimble fingers hovering over the opening chords of the song. "I think so. And Rakan should be here soon anyway, in case I need backup." 

"You're a godsend." Zed set his own script atop the piano and walked out of the room as well. 

The fine arts building was a winding mess of tile hallways. Zed could hear the gentle footfalls of someone pacing a few halls down, and he followed the sound to find Jhin striding the length of the hallway, no longer able to contain his anxious energy. Without the background noise of fifty other choir members and without Jhin actively suppressing it, Zed could hear how ragged and shallow his breathing was. Bordering on hyperventilating, really. 

Then Jhin looked up at Zed, unadulterated fear written all over his face. His pupils were blown. Zed immediately walked over to Jhin and took his trembling hands in his own. 

Zed had learned that gentle touch was alright, even helpful with Jhin's panic attacks. Full-blown contact like hugging was not. It wasn't a distinction that applied much to Zed, who'd never been much of a cuddler (while sober, with most people, that was)- it moreso applied to Shen, whose comfort language was spoken with embraces. Jhin sucked in a shaking breath and grabbed onto Zed's hands like he was trying to stabilize himself. 

"Is this 'cause of anything in particular?" Zed asked, keeping his voice low in case there was anyone else around. 

Jhin swallowed hard and shook his head. "Don't think so. It just- fuckin' _hit me_ out of nowhere." He drew in another breath, strained and shallow, fingers tightening around Zed's hands. "Fuck, I can't breathe. I can't _breathe_." 

"You can," Zed countered, voice gentle but firm. "Breathe with me, okay?"

Zed brought one of Jhin's hand to his chest and drew in a slow, deliberate breath for four counts, held it for four, and then exhaled for four. Slowly, Jhin's shallow gasping began to deepen and slow, mimicking Zed's breathing. Zed's hand was still placed over Khada's, pressing it gently against the center of his chest. 

His breathing was still shaky, but Jhin was no longer hyperventilating. Zed counted that as a victory. He slowly lowered their joined hands and then led Khada to the nearest bathroom. 

Khada had once explained that hot water could soft-reset the central nervous system, and that the sensation sometimes calmed him down when he was panicking. At the least, it helped feeling return to his hands when they went numb from poor oxygen supply. Zed guided Jhin over to the sink and turned the water on, then stuck his hand under the faucet to confirm that the water was comfortably hot. Jhin caught on and submerged his own hands, eyes closing as he focused on the heat and his breathing. 

And for a few moments, everything was still. The bathroom was quiet except for the sounds of running water and Jhin's breathing slowly returning to normal. Another minute passed before Jhin turned the water off, letting the excess water drip from his hands to the sink. 

"Feeling better?" Zed asked quietly, not wanting to disrupt the fragile peace. 

Khada nodded, although he looked drained. He always was after attacks like this, and Zed could understand why. He let out a long sigh and accepted the paper towels that Zed offered to him. "Yeah...I think I'm good now." 

Zed nodded, relief settling over him. Jhin had gotten much better at controlling his anxiety and not letting it build up over the years, but he still had panic attacks- and it still worried Zed, every time. Even though he knew Khada would be alright, Zed hated seeing his friends in pain. And if he could do something to assist them, he would. 

"Take the rest of the day off," Zed urged. "Seriously, we're just working on chorus shit today. Go home and rest. I'll bring your script over to your dorm later."

Jhin pondered this for a moment, and then nodded. He threw the balled-up paper towels away and walked out of the bathroom with Zed. Normally Zed would have insisted on walking Khada back to his dorm, but he couldn't abandon Kai'sa for another ten minutes. "You sure you're gonna be alright?"

"I'll be fine," Jhin replied, quiet but sure. "Thank you for helping me," he added after a moment, nudging Zed with his elbow. 

Zed couldn't help but smile. "'Course, man. I'll see you later, alright?" 

"Yeah, sounds good." 

**2\. Katarina**

After their first sparring session, Zed and Katarina made a habit of meeting in the campus' gym every day at six in the morning, dressed in workout clothes and sparring gear. They came from different fighting backgrounds, and the juxtaposition of Katarina's boxing and kickboxing versus Zed's judo, along with the common ground of jiujitsu, kept the matches interesting. Despite both Zed and Kat having nasty competitive streaks, they kept the matches civil and followed standard submission-match rules, sans those regarding civility. There was no shortage of shit-talking when they were on the mats. 

From the way they spoke to and about each other, an outsider might assume that Zed and Katarina were enemies. But they really had a very sibling-like relationship. They cared about each other, despite how rudely they spoke of each other and the occasional threats of blackmailing. 

One morning, Zed had arrived at the gym early and was stretching when Katarina walked in. Zed, currently stretching his arms out, glanced up when he heard the door open. "Good morning." 

"'Morning," Kat replied, sliding her gear bag off her shoulder and setting it next to Zed's. She was dressed as she normally was- a t-shirt and yoga pants- but there was an ace bandage messily wrapped around her right hand and arm. 

Zed knew Kat was right-handed and could tell from the sloppiness of the binding that she had wrapped the bandage herself. "What's that for?" He asked, gesturing to her arm as he shifted forward to stretch his back. 

"Oh- it's for an old sprain. Still hurts sometimes when the weather changes. The compression usually helps, though," Katarina explained as she lowered herself into a splits. Zed envied the ease with which she performed the stretch- he'd always been as flexible as a piece of wood, even after years of martial arts training. 

"And you wrapped it yourself?" 

Kat's cheeks turned red. "I tried to."

Zed snorted and rose to his feet. "I can fix it, if you want."

Zed had basic knowledge of how to care for old injuries, having several of them himself. His left shoulder still ached during rainy weather from a dislocation that had happened years ago. Heat and ibuprofen usually did the trick, but he also understood the value of compression. He wasn't especially fond of ace bandages and preferred using braces, particularly because it was easy to handle them with only one functional arm. That was something Katarina would certainly benefit from. 

"It's fine," Katarina insisted, but Zed suspected it was a matter of pride and not because the wrap was doing its job. 

"Seriously, I don't mind. It's not gonna do shit if you keep it like that, though." 

Katarina sighed and stood up as well, hesitantly offering her arm to Zed. 

Zed untucked the edge of the bandage and unwrapped Katarina's arm. Her wrist looked fine to the naked eye, but he knew how much injuries could hurt long after the physical healing had been complete. Zed carefully re-wrapped the bandage, making sure it wasn't too tight nor cutting into her thumb where it crossed her palm. He tied the bandage off near her forearm and glanced up at Kat. "There. That wasn't so bad, was it?" 

"I guess not," Kat said with just a bit too much nonchalance. Zed figured Kat was used to doing things on her own and wasn't totally sure of how to react to his help. It didn't matter, though. Zed stepped back and watched Katarina flex her hand a couple times, getting used to the feeling of the bandage. "You're a bit better at the whole caring-for-others thing than it would seem, y'know." 

Zed frowned. "What do you mean?"

Kat pulled her gloves on and carefully wrapped the Velcro strap over the bandage, making sure it wasn't catching. "Jhin told me that you helped him out a few days ago," She explained. "You seem all tough and stoic at first, but you're kind of a mother hen." 

"A _mother hen_?" Zed repeated incredulously. There was no way Katarina actually thought that. 

Katarina laughed and shook her head, like she couldn't believe how silly Zed was being. "Never mind. Let's just get to it already." 

The sparring continued as normal from there, with both fighters trying their best to trap the other in a submission. Katarina ended up winning most of the matches, abusing Zed's lack of flexibility from the half-guard position by using a move called 'the electric chair', which involved her pinning Zed's left leg and using her arm to force the right higher until she nearly forced him into a splits. Zed tried his best to avoid the position, but Katarina was squirmy and flexible enough that she usually got the hook off. By the end of it, Zed was sweating and panting from his constant attempts to escape. 

"Not a bad move, right?" Kat said with a shit-eating grin as she watched Zed use the hem of his shirt to wipe sweat off of his face. "You probably wouldn't have to tap from it if you were a little more flexible than the average senior citizen." In retaliation, Zed ran a hand through his hair and flicked the gathered sweat at Katarina. 

"You won't be able to use that on me forever," Zed warned, removing his shin guards. 

Kat just grinned and pulled the elastic out of her hair, letting it cascade over her shoulders in crimson waves. "Sure, sure."

They gathered their gear and left the gym, with Zed immediately heading back to his dorm to shower before his morning class. Katarina's earlier remark about him being a mother hen was still playing in his head. Zed didn't think himself nurturing or caring enough to be considered such a thing, especially with all the strife and conflict he had caused for other people in the past. He tried not to dwell on that train of thought too long, though. It never went to good places.

**3\. Kayn**

Zed and Kayn had begun spending more time together outside of rehearsals, but they still hung out plenty with Jhin. Since all of them had an eight am class on Wednesdays, they would usually meet up at the campus cafe after class to grab coffee. Rhaast had been hanging around Kayn more and more, and as anti-cat as Zed normally was, he couldn't deny how cute it was to see the 'ferocious beast' of the campus snuggling up to Kayn's leg and purring. Even if the resulting fur clinging to Kayn's clothes made his face itch like crazy. 

Zed had stayed in his eight am a bit longer than normal to talk about a paper with his professor, then packed up his things and headed to the cafe. Kayn and Jhin were in their usual spot, a table in the far corner of the building, sat right next to a window that Rhaast could sometimes be found lurking outside of. He stopped by the counter to get a large coffee and then headed over to the table. 

Jhin, as per usual, had his sketchbook open on the table in front of him, but he just seemed to be doodling. Kayn was on his phone. They both looked up when Zed pulled a chair over, and he immediately noticed that Kayn's gaze seemed unfocused and tired. 

"Hey," He greeted them. And then to Kayn, asked, "Rough night?"

"Is it obvious?" Kayn asked sardonically before muffling a yawn into his fist. His voice was more hoarse than usual. Kayn sighed and ran his hand through his hair, which was cascading in an inky waterfall down his back, before saying, "I'm not feeling great, honestly."

Jhin closed his sketchbook with a sigh, tapping his pencil against the cover. "You should fucking _stay home_ and _rest_ then," he said. The exasperation in his tone made it obvious that they'd already had this debate before, yet reached the same impasse each time. Zed didn't know Kayn especially well, but he could sense the stubborn streak in him. It matched his own. 

Kayn shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. "Too much to do," He said. A second later, a hazy expression overtook his features. Kayn grabbed a napkin from the dispenser on the table and quickly cupped it over his face as he turned away from the table and sneezed twice. 

"Bless you." Zed glanced at Jhin, who sighed and shook his head. "Khada's right. Why aren't you working from home?"

"I have class," Kayn replied as he straightened up, still scrubbing at his nose with the napkin. His tone implied that his answer should've been obvious, and that it was silly of both Zed and Jhin to ask why he wouldn't just stay home.

Zed couldn't fault his logic there. He was also of the "show must go on" mindset, no occupational pun intended. He had lost track of how many shows, classes, and seminars he had attended while he should have probably stayed home to rest or recover. And he knew how difficult it could be to miss class when college cost an arm and a leg. 

"You can just email your professors, Kayn, what aren't you getting about that?" Jhin fretted, gesturing in exasperation with his empty hand. "It'll count as an excused absence-"

"-I'll still be missing important stuff-"

"-You can ask for notes from a friend-"

"-bold of you to assume I have f-" Kayn abruptly ended the back-and-forth by burying his face in the crumpled napkin and sneezing again. And again. 

Jhin sighed deeply and took a sip of his own drink. "Your stubbornness is going to be the death of me," he stated matter-of-factly before rummaging around in his backpack and procuring a second sketchbook. He traded it out for the one already in front of him and flipped to a page near the end of the book. Zed tilted his head, trying to get a sense of the drawing while viewing it upside-down. It was a woman with dark hair and foreign characters written across her cheeks. From the shape of it, Zed guessed it was in Japanese. His train of thought was interrupted by Jhin saying, "Zed, you're wired the same as him, and even _you_ stay home sometimes. Can't you reason with him?" 

Zed snorted. "I stay home only when I'm physically unable to walk to class. _But,_ " he added quickly upon receiving a threatening glare from Jhin, "if class is what you're concerned about, then you have to ask yourself if you're feeling well enough to focus. I mean, there's no point in going if you aren't gonna be able to retain any information or take good notes, right?" 

"I guess," Kayn conceded, a bit reluctantly. Zed had used the productivity loophole on himself before, and the argument held some merit. 

"Just email your professors, say you're too sick to come to class, and ask someone to take notes for you," Zed proposed. He knew it was the exact same advice Khada had already given, but perhaps a reinforcing voice would help convince Kayn. 

Kayn was still looking doubtful, though. Zed knew he was trying to assess whether or not he could simply power through it- and from the looks of it, he couldn't. The freshman looked _exhausted,_ and the frequent sniffling and throat-clearing made it obvious that he wasn't well. 

"Think of how nice it would be to just go home and sleep," Jhin tempted, patting Kayn's back while he coughed into the crook of his arm. "Please?"

Kayn sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. After a minute, he leaned his head onto Jhin's shoulder and said, "Fine, yeah, I'll email them."

Jhin smiled and brought one hand up to ruffle Kayn's hair, which had been left out of its usual braid. Zed assumed Kayn had yielded on account of how exhausted he was as opposed to the soundness of either his or Jhin's advice- but hey, a victory was a victory. Zed drained the rest of his coffee and nudged Kayn's foot under the table with his own. 

"Come on, let's get you home so you can sleep."

Kayn seemed reluctant to abandon the pillow that Jhin had turned into for him, but he sat up and grabbed his backpack and another handful of napkins from the dispenser, which he shoved into the pocket of his jacket. He left with a promise to Jhin that he would drink plenty of water and rest. 

Zed began walking with Kayn to the freshman boys' dorm. At some point during the walk, Rhaast began padding alongside them. The cat gave Zed a wide berth, which he was thankful for, and side-eyed Kayn for the duration of the journey. Zed was still impressed that Kayn had managed to tame the campus beast without losing any fingers. 

They walked in a mutually tired yet comfortable silence, save for Kayn's smothered coughs. A handful of minutes later, they reached the freshman boy's dormitory. Kayn scanned his ID and let them both into the building, then turned to face Zed. 

"Thanks for the escort," he said, partially through a yawn that seized him halfway through the sentence. Zed bit back a laugh and nodded. 

"No problem. Get some rest, man. You need it." 

Kayn nodded. A smile, albeit an exhausted one, formed on his face after a second. "Kat really wasn't lying about you being a mother hen."

"Good fucking Christ," Zed muttered. "She told you about that?" 

"Yeah. And it checks out." Kayn took his ID out of his pocket again and gestured towards the dorm halls. "Alright, I'm gonna fuckin' sleep for as long as I physically can. If you haven't heard from me in a day or two, just assume I've OD'd on NyQuil."

"Sure. I'll speak fondly of you at your funeral."

With that, Zed left to go back to the cafe, where he had abandoned Khada. Try though he might, Kayn _and_ Katarina's comments about him being a mother hen lingered in his mind. Maybe he _was_ a mother hen. The thought made Zed vaguely uncomfortable for some reason he couldn't identify, so he shoved it out of his mind and made a mental note to swing by Kayn's dorm with some tea and throat lozenges later.

**+1 Zed**

On Monday, Zed woke up well before his alarm was set to go off. He pushed himself up onto one elbow, glancing around his bedroom as he tried to figure out what time it was and what had woken him up. There usually wasn't an external cause and there wasn't this time, either. Insomnia was just a bitch that constantly wanted Zed awake at night and asleep during the day, and it would stop at no ends to pursue that goal. A glance out the window confirmed that the sun was barely beginning to rise. 

Great. Zed groaned and dropped back down into a resting position. It was only then that he realized that he was on the floor, not his bed. 

That in and of itself was not terribly concerning. Zed sometimes sleepwalked to the middle of his room and laid down on the floor. Sometimes he voluntarily chose to sleep on the floor after a particularly grueling workout, so the hard surface could reset his back a bit. And sometimes he was simply too exhausted and lazy to get to his bed. 

A glance around his room revealed notebooks and a textbook open on his desk, along with a can of Monster, and his clothes balled up in the corner of the room. Zed glanced down at his mostly-nude body and vaguely recalled waking up a few hours ago and stripping down to his briefs because he had felt overheated. 

And now that he was thinking about it, he _still_ felt overheated. Zed rolled onto his back and pressed his hand to his forehead, but he couldn't tell if he felt warmer than usual. He exhaled slowly and stared up at the ceiling, wishing desperately that he could just fall back asleep. The most rest he had gotten in the past two days had been an hour-long nap sometime yesterday afternoon. And despite how fucking exhausted he was, Zed knew he wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep. 

So he forced himself onto his feet and stumbled to the bathroom to shower, which mostly consisted of him sitting under a stream of lukewarm water with his forehead pressed against the tile wall. Once he felt awake enough to stand, Zed made quick work of getting ready for the day. But unfortunately, being more than barely-awake made Zed realize how poorly he was feeling. His throat was sore, and a dull ache had taken up residence behind his eyes. Zed figured it was just from being unable to sleep, though, and tried to ignore it. 

It was barely five in the morning at that point, and Zed had nowhere to be until six. He passed the time by getting into arguments with centrists on Twitter and nursing a mug of lemon tea. It helped his throat marginally. 

Six o'clock saw Zed entering the gym, intent on not letting himself get electric chaired for the fifth match in a row. Katarina was already there. The bandage around her arm was gone. 

She glanced up from her phone when she entered and paused her music. "You're looking a little worse for wear."

"Good morning to you too," Zed replied with an eye-roll. Katarina snorted and switched to the next song before setting her phone down next to the tiny bluetooth speaker they used to play music while sparring. "Planning to force me into a splits again?" 

"Nah, I was thinking about brushing up on chokeholds today," Kat said, grinning devilishly. 

An equally terrifying prospect in Zed's mind, honestly. No-gi chokes could be brutal, and he knew one of Kat's personal favorites, the nutcracker choke, relied on rolling a person's collarbones in towards their neck. He'd had the grand misfortune of being on the receiving end of one of those chokes before, and he didn't plan on repeating the experience. 

He and Kat stretched, and Zed was dismayed to notice how fucking _sore_ he was. He hadn't noticed it until he'd actually begun stretching his muscles out, and he hoped it was simply a side effect of spending the night on the floor. In reality, Zed had connected the dots and figured that he'd caught whatever gross head cold Kayn had. It would be prudent for Zed to heed his own advice and spend the day at home, resting- but he didn't have that luxury at the moment. He had a lab to complete in o-chem, and a case study discussion that he couldn't make up for his political science class. And then there was rehearsal, which he _had_ to be at by virtue of being assistant director of the theater program. It was a title he had won by an odd technicality following an internship, saving the day during a performance, and the abrupt resignation of the program's previous assistant director. Since undergrads weren't meant to have those sorts of positions, Zed was doing everything in his power to hold onto his through grad school. And that involved being at rehearsal every single day. 

Not an ideal time to stay home and rest, really. 

So Zed stretched, told himself that his mom didn't raise a pussy _,_ and got his sparring gear on. He was mentally prepared to brave the worst that Katarina could give. And yet when the actual sparring started, Zed noticed that Kat had slowed her usual speed and aggression. Zed got the first takedown and pinned Katarina easily, immediately reaching out to trap her arm in an americana. The threat of submission got Katarina back in the game, but even then, the pace was slower than normal. 

Zed honestly couldn't complain- he wasn't sure he would be able to keep up with their normal levels of energy. Their sparring lasted an hour, and during that time, there were several occasions where Kat could have taken advantage of Zed's slowness, or lack of attention to the match, but she didn't. And she had the good grace to not comment on Zed's lackluster performance. 

While they were packing their gear up, Katarina asked, "Hey, I'm gonna stop by The Nest before going to class. Wanna come with me?" 

The Nest was a close off-campus cafe that gave discounts to students before ten am. They were expensive, but their coffee was much better than the burned shit you'd get at Starbucks, or even the decent house blend of the on-campus student run cafe. Zed agreed, so they stashed their gear bags in a supply closet to retrieve later and walked to The Nest together.

Zed was mostly tuned out as they walked, mind focused on nothing in particular (besides how sore he still felt). It was only when Katarina snapped her fingers in front of his face that he mentally clocked in and glanced at her.

"What?"

"I asked if you were feeling alright, dipshit." 

Zed huffed and shoved his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. They were nearly at the cafe. "Yeah. Just have a headache."

Katarina didn't look particularly convinced, but she dropped it as they entered the cafe. There was a small line, which gave Zed time to look at the menu and decide which drink he could fit the most espresso shots into without killing himself and/or the barista making the drink. Once they got to the counter, Kat glanced at Zed, and he placed his order. As he was grabbing his wallet, Katarina immediately added her order as well and handed her card over before Zed could protest. 

"You look like you could use the pick-me-up," she explained, taking the card back from the cashier and stepping aside. "Plus, I owe you one for fixing my shit-ass arm wrap." 

"You really didn't," Zed replied, following her over to the edge of the counter. 

"How much fuckin' espresso did you put in that thing?" Katarina asked, effectively dodging Zed's rebuttal as the barista handed his drink over. 

"Just six shots."

Katarina scoffed and shook her head, repeating ' _just six shots'_ like it personally offended her. Zed shrugged and followed her out of the cafe once she had received her own (far less caffeinated) drink. The heat of the coffee felt like it was searing his throat a bit, but it was worth the energy it would grant him. He would need it, no doubt. 

They went about their respective days after that and despite the obscene amount of caffeine he was forcing into his body, Zed felt half-asleep for all of it. By his own standard, he should have stayed home to rest, because he was being the dead opposite of productive in class. His notes were half-assed, he fucked up all but three of the trial runs for his o-chem lab, and he ended up simply tuning out most of the poli-sci case discussion. Although he wasn't insane about academics, having always been more interested in the arts, Zed prided himself on having a good worth ethic _and_ the ability to power through bad days. But no matter how many times he mentally shook himself awake, Zed couldn't seem to fully free himself of the fatigue clinging to him. Or the headache. But at least he had ibuprofen for that.

The day passed slow enough that Zed was ready to pull his hair out from restless exhaustion and boredom by the time five-thirty in the afternoon rolled around. He dragged himself to the fine arts building and realized, with _great_ dismay, that he needed to sing for the next three-ish hours. 

A half-second later, his heart lightened as he remembered that Rakan could sing baritone as well. That meant that he could cover Zed's parts, which was a relief beyond words. Zed could probably play piano and conduct with minimal screw-ups, but there was no way that he could sing for that long. He'd already reached a point where _speaking_ was painful. 

Zed entered the room and saw Kai'sa sitting on the piano bench sideways, one leg folded over the bench and the other extended straight in front of her as she sifted through a book of pre-arranged pieces. Probably looking for warmups, Zed theorized. She looked up when Zed entered and immediately frowned.

"Are you alright?"

Zed would pay actual money to not hear that for the rest of the day. "Do I really look that bad?"

"You look exhausted. And you sound awful. Please tell me you're just here to give notes or something to Rakan and I, then go home and rest?" Kai'sa's expression could only be described as 'high hopes, low expectations.'

"You can tell yourself that if it helps."

Kai'sa groaned and let her head fall forward in exaggerated disappointment. Zed made an amused noise- not quite a laugh, but close- and set his backpack near the piano before walking over to a plastic crate situated near the door. It was full of miscellaneous cleaning supplies, and Zed tore off a sheet from the paper towel roll to blow his nose. As he was going to throw the paper towels away, he heard Kai'sa say, "Catch!"-

-and turned towards her just enough for a travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer to harmlessly smack into his shoulder and drop to the floor. "How exactly was I meant to catch that with my back turned?"

Kai'sa shrugged, and Zed could tell from the tension in the corners of her mouth that she was trying not to look concerned. It was the same way she looked whenever the ensemble fucked up a basic harmony or forgot their lyrics. "You didn't seem to have any trouble catching a cold, so I figured that wouldn't be a challenge. Keep that, by the way. It's yours now."

"...thank you." Zed retrieved the hand sanitizer and applied a liberal amount of it,

At that point, students were starting to trickle into the practice room. Xayah tailed Rakan in and snagged a kiss from him before turning to leave, nearly running into a gaggle of tenors as she did so. Even with her back turned, Zed could practically hear her eye roll as she shouldered past them. Rakan kept his eyes on her for another moment before bounding over to Zed and Kai'sa. 

Zed would never understand where he got all that energy from, but he envied it in that moment. 

"Happy Thursday! Only one more day 'till the weekend- Xayah and I are going on a date tomorrow, it's gonna be- oh, hey, you look like shit. Are we still working on _At The End Of The Day_ , by the way? The blocking is finished, I think we should move onto _One Day More_."

Zed could feel his brain powering off as he tried to follow Rakan's ever-shifting current of speech. Normally he was decent at jumping topics left and right when talking with Rakan, but not today. His exhausted brain was still stuck on "one more day 'till the weekend". Since when did Friday count as part of the weekend? They still had classes and rehearsal.

"Heeeellllooooo, Zed? Anyone up there?"

"No, office hours ended at four," Zed answered on autopilot before remembering he was _not_ currently TA'ing for a drama professor and blinked, focusing on Rakan. "Oh, uh- yeah, I think we're ready to move on to _One Day More._ " He paused to sift through a notebook so thoroughly crammed with ink that the pages crinkled upon being turned and continued, "I'm still not thrilled with the crescendo at the end of _At The End Of The Day-_ it's not hitting hard enough, especially not for the opening piece of the act. But I'm hoping that'll solve itself once we actually get on stage and have room to project."

Rakan nodded, leaning a little closer so he could read Zed's notes from the last rehearsal- only for Zed to immediately push him away with one arm, using the other to hide his face as he doubled forward with a sneeze loud enough that Kai'sa startled and hit a sour chord.

"Jesus, give us a warning next time!"

"Bless you. Here, I think I have tissues somewhere in h-"

Zed sniffled and straightened up, cutting Rakan off as he began to rummage through his backpack. "It's fine." A quick glance around the room (nearly full at that point, they were waiting on only a couple more people) revealed that most people were still wrapped up in their own conversations, but a couple people had glanced towards Zed. Including Jhin.

Shit, Zed hadn't even realized that Khada was here. But they were less than four minutes out from the start of the rehearsal, so it lined up. Jhin was currently fixing Zed with a stare of equal parts judgement and curiosity, and Zed could practically _feel_ the scolding he'd receive if Jhin managed to confront him. Anyone with self-preservation instincts would steer clear of a lecture from Jhin about anything, so Zed figured it was best to start rehearsal as soon as possible. At least he could delay the inevitable for a few hours.

He whistled to get everyone's attention, and Kai'sa played three rapid major chords, which translated in Choir Kid to "rehearsal is starting, shut up." Once everyone had settled down and turned attention to Zed, he began, "Alright, glad to see everyone here. We're gonna more onto the next large group piece today, which is _One Day More._ It's mostly overlapping solos, so chorus members are actually gonna start working on the blocking with Irelia, and then you'll join with leads for the vocals. As you can probably hear, I'm starting to lose my voice. So if you make me shout over you today, I will _personally_ guarantee that you are never cast in another show produced by this university, understood?"

Zed's threat, delivered in an appropriately low and raspy voice, was entirely empty- but he saw a flash of fear over the faces of a few freshmen and knew they feared it being fulfilled regardless. Was it a bit of an overkill threat? Probably, but Zed didn't care as long as it ensured he could keep the shouting to an absolute minimum for the day.

"Good. Chorus, head out into the dance studio with Irelia. Leads, stay in here. We'll swap places in about forty-five minutes or so."

Everyone moved according to directions, and Zed took a moment to retrieve his water bottle and take a drink. Swallowing hurt, but hydration was an unfortunate necessity at that moment. Kai'sa flipped through her music book and Rakan scribbled a few notes down in his director's script, then leaned over to compare with Kai'sa.

"We might need to transpose that line up...I know, but Khada is really our only strong bass...we _could_ have Shen dip to that note, but it'll sound out of place..."

"Zed, could I borrow you for a moment? I have a question about one of these chords."

It was Khada issuing the request, and Zed had a sinking feeling that whatever question Jhin had was _not_ about chords. But he couldn't exactly deny the request, so he set his water bottle down and walked over. "What is it?"

"Why _exactly_ are you here when you look like hell warmed over?" Khada's expression was partially concerned and partially accusatory, and Zed couldn't help but feel a tiny bit like a child being scolded. He opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off before even a single word was spoken. "And I don't want to hear your usual spiel about not being able to take a day off. You told Kayn that there's no use in being out if you can't be productive, right? And I'll wager my damn tuition that you haven't paid attention for _shit_ in class, nor are you going to be able to sing today."

Zed sighed. "You've got me in a box here, Khada." His breath caught and he turned away, burying his face in his arm and sneezing- once, twice, and Khada waited patiently till a third one had wrenched its way out of Zed before offering a blessing and a judgmental click of his tongue.

"Bless you. Jhin's right, you should be home right now." Zed sighed as Shen joined in the verbal dogpile, albeit with a far more concerned tone.

Kayn glanced up from his phone and nodded as well. "No offense, but you sound like shit."

"If I had a fucking dollar for every time someone's said that to me today-"

"You'd have enough to _go the fuck home and rest_ , hm?" Jhin looked like he had more to say, but he sighed and held his tongue as Zed turned away again and coughed into his sleeve, feeling more pathetic by the second. "Your voice isn't going to last another ten minutes. There's absolutely no reason for you to be here- I mean that lovingly, of course."

Zed sniffed sharply and ran his hands over his face. Was he going to get a single word in edgewise? Probably not, but he could at least try. Kai'sa and Rakan were still debating over how to handle their lackluster bassline for the chorus parts- or perhaps they were just stalling until Zed got talked into going home. They were probably in cahoots with Jhin about it, the bastards.

"I'm already here, I might as well stay."

Jhin rolled his eyes and Kayn snorted as if amused by Zed's sheer stubbornness, but Shen just smiled sweetly and replied, "If you don't want to go home of your own volition, I can just throw you over my shoulder and carry you to your apartment."

Zed knew from experience that Shen was _not_ making an empty threat. Standing a full six inches taller than Zed and being significantly more muscular, Shen would have no problem manhandling Zed even if he were perfectly healthy. And honestly, Zed didn't have the energy to attempt to wrestle himself out of a fireman carry. Dammit. He'd lost this one for sure.

"Fine, fine, I'll fucking go home and rest. Will that make you happy?"

Khada heaved a sigh of relief, as if he'd been pleading with Zed for hours and hours. "Yes, clearly, you dunce. For someone so good at taking care of other people, you're absolutely _terrible_ at taking care of yourself."

Christ, not another 'Zed is a mama hen' reference. He sighed and walked back over to Kai'sa and Rakan without replying. He didn't need to, though. Jhin already knew he had won. "Will you guys be alright with handling the rest of rehearsal?"

Rakan looked like someone had just offered him a million dollars. "Dear Creator, _yes_ , we would be. Please go home, dude."

Zed ended up getting shoo'd out of the practice room with another loving threat from Shen and repeated insistence from just about everyone in the room. Secretly, he was relieved to have gotten kicked out. He was feeling worse and worse by the second, and he knew whatever hell bug he'd caught hadn't fully set in yet. Tomorrow would undoubtedly suck more, even if that didn't seem possible at the moment.

His roommates weren't around when Zed got home, which was all the better for him. He shed his shoes and jacket at the door and plopped his backpack next to them, then headed towards the box of tissues next to the coffee maker. After blowing his nose and throwing the tissues out, Zed realized there was a Target bag sitting on the counter. Which wouldn't have been noteworthy by itself- probably just something his roommates got and forgot to put away- but there was a yellow Post-It note stuck to it. Curiosity piqued, Zed pulled the note off and read it.

_jhin texted me and said you're sick and being too stupid to take care of yourself, so i got some shit for you since i doubt your apartment has any. take care of yourself or im gonna come beat you up. your roommates let me in once, i bet they'll do it again._

_xoxo kat_

The bag itself had a few cans of soup, a box of tissues, throat lozenges, and different types of cold medicine. For what it was worth, Katarina was right- his apartment _was_ lacking most of those things. Zed smiled a bit as he set the Post-It note down and put the soup in the pantry, then simply took the rest of the contents to his room with him.

Just the sight of his bed reminded Zed of how exhausted he was, and he could barely keep his eyes open as he changed into pyjamas and got himself settled. He knew he should probably text Kat a thank-you, or tell Jhin he got home safe, or tell his roommates off for letting a stranger in...but that could all wait for later. Zed closed his eyes, and at long last, sleep came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zed is a disaster i hate him
> 
> anyway. its been a hot minute. despite all evidence suggesting otherwise, i have not forgotten abt this au! i actually think about it like every single day and tell myself im gonna write but then i usually dont because [deep inhale] college and work and shit and also the global pandemic. but! i am getting back into the swing of things. i'm still working on rewriting [create new chat], although alterations will be pretty minor so ur not gonna have to reread the whole thing or smth. just smoothing out character development and adding some New Depth. n e way see u in like idk 9 months or smth or maybe next week who knows ty for reading


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